tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69845602773035223202024-03-13T02:42:24.521-07:00A Dog for Katherine is Losing ItMy journey as a person with Tourette Syndrome to lose weight and get healthy, let's go!Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-20715783800464009202014-08-10T11:53:00.000-07:002014-08-10T11:53:19.857-07:00TransformationWhen I was interviewing for jobs last year, when asked what my biggest weakness is I told them it was stubbornness. I say how I am stubborn to a fault, but that it's also an asset because it means when I put my mind to something, I figure it out. It also means that I fight for what my students need and don't give up.<br />
<br />
And this is true, in the work setting.<br />
<br />
But, I think my biggest weakness is that I refuse to forgive myself. I have been reading teaching blogs all week and combing pinterest (professional development hours anyone?) and finding all sorts of things that I would love to do in my classroom. I'm thinking of ways to incorporate new practices into my room and how to modify activities to meet my students - how to jazz up a 1st grade lesson for 5th graders, or modify a 5th grade lesson for my kiddos who only read independently on a 1st grade level. And I had this moment where I was thinking about my classroom and what I want to accomplish this year (really working on good language arts centers and effective social skills instruction) and what I want to save for next year (organizing binders of curriculum that is effective for different skills and making sense of the vast amounts of resources in my room) where I realized, I will never be happy with what I get accomplished in the classroom. There will always be something I think I should have done differently. A way I could have reached a student better or communicated with another teacher better. I could have taken better data or been more engaged in a lesson I wasn't feeling that day. I will never be happy with what I have accomplished.<br />
<br />
But here's the thing - this attitude isn't just reserved for teaching. I am struggling to find it in myself to forgive myself for what I have done in the past. I sit and think about what I could have done differently the last few years of my life so that I wouldn't be here, 100+ pounds overweight and out of shape with horrible eating habits.<br />
<br />
I have started reading and following Chris Powell's carb cycling plan - it's what he uses with his clients during his Extreme Makeover transformations and the things he writes about really impacted me. I have always respected how he approaches clients on his show and his books are no different. One of the things he talks a lot about is <i>transformation</i> and not weight loss. And I've seen multiple people who he has worked with say that the weight loss was the least significant part of their entire year. That <i>transforming</i> their life was more important. The relationships they gained and the experiences they had were more important.<br />
<br />
So I am trying to let go and move forward. I am trying to forgive myself for what happened in the past. I was doing the best I could with what I had. While reflecting on the lifestyle choices that got me to where I am, I became angry at myself for the habits I developed of getting something quick and easy for dinner Friday nights after work (ordering pizza, picking up take out, etc.). I'd also always get something <strike>easy</strike> unhealthy to make on the weekends for breakfast. But I didn't develop this habit out of laziness or the desire to put crap into my body and gain weight. No. I developed this habit because by the time I got done with surviving my week on Friday, it was all I could do to drive home. There were times before being teamed up with Owen, where I would get home Friday and stay on the couch all weekend, not leaving my apartment again until Monday morning. It wasn't because I was deliberately trying to ruin my life, it was because it was all I could do to survive the week with a disability before crashing on the weekends. And I have to forgive myself for that. I was able to survive and grow into the person I am today. A person who advocates for herself and gets put on the appropriate medications (<i>hello</i> prescription NSAIDs everyday and anti-depressants, life is <i>gooooood</i>). A person who works out at the gym 3 times a week, not to lose weight, but instead to build strength and muscle mass (which of course will help me lose weight). A person who is trying to eat the right things in the right amounts at the right times, and does not feel guilty about having a reward on the weekends (chocolate cupcake!).<br />
<br />
Once I realized this, that I was hating myself for something that was out of my control, I have been able to move on. When I slip up, I just shake it off and move forward. I'm not going to bash myself any longer for things that happened years ago that I can't do anything about now.<br />
<br />
I am transforming my mind so that my body will follow.Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-20851274176715684942014-03-17T19:46:00.000-07:002014-03-17T19:46:10.493-07:0021 day challenge!I could start this post by explaining my multiple-month-hiatus. I could tell you about the various ways I have tried to stay healthy while working. I could tell you about the siren call of Tex-Mex and queso. I could tell you how I started working out at Koko Fit Club about 6 weeks ago (badly injured myself, quit working out, and then started again). But instead, I will simply tell you this.<br />
<br />
Today, I had my consult at My Fit Foods (not sponsoring this post or endeavor by the way - unfortunately...) about starting their 21 day challenge.<br />
<br />
For 21 days (starting Wednesday), I will eat only their prepared meals which my nutritionist has chosen for me. I will give up alcohol (gasp!) and coffee (GASP!!). Alcohol because it's empty calories (and with my <strike>mug</strike> glass-of-wine-a-day after school habit I've noticed my weight creeping up), and coffee because... well, because they told me to.<br />
<br />
And they told me if I follow their plan I can lose 15 pounds in 21 days. Seems like a fair trade... for now.<br />
<br />
(They actually have an explanation about coffee because caffeine increases cortisol which, when combined with high blood sugar - which we know I have a problem with - causes your body to slow it's metabolism and store fat instead of burn calories.)<br />
<br />
They promised I could add coffee back in at the end of this challenge. In the meantime, I can have green tea, as much as I like. I've already prepped my <strike>coffee</strike> tea mug tomorrow morning with two green tea bags, I'll need as much punch as I can get in the morning.<br />
<br />
I will also be drinking a detox of unsweetened cranberry juice, apple cider vinegar, lemon, and liquid B-12 (more energy!) every morning to help detox my liver, help with hydration, and help burn fat. We'll see how it tastes, but if it burns fat, I'm all in!<br />
<br />
The MFF meals are really quite good. They're fresh, meaning I'll be picking up my food at their store twice a week because they use no preservatives (which is good, because I think I'm allergic to common preservatives used). They use the glycemic index to plan meals, and stress the importance of multiple small meals throughout the day, instead of fewer but larger meals.<br />
<br />
What impressed me the most though, was the store's willingness to work with my meager budget to do this. Instead of purchasing 3 meals plus 2 snacks from the store for each day, I will be purchasing 3 meals from them. I will be getting the small meal sizes (with 3 oz of protein) because they are the cheapest. I am going to be supplementing their meals with 2-3 snacks a day; chobani greek yogurt, trail mix (that I made and measured out; 2oz of a almond, cashew, and dried cranberry mix), and apples with peanut butter. I actually got both peanut and honey-almond butter (Justin's) at the store today and tried both with my granny smith apples. It wasn't the dessert I was used to, but I think the sweet treat at the end of the day with the healthy fats will help me feel like it's actually a treat. I'm going to save trail mix for the morning when I'm teaching (it will be quick and easy to eat on the go) and then I'm freezing chobani so that it thaws by the end of the day when I can eat another snack.<br />
<br />
I'm very optimistic about this endeavor; I plan to follow their plan exactly, and I am trusting in my nutritionist (who will be calling me and checking in) to help me out.<br />
<br />
Even though I'm eating the MFF meals now (I bought some this weekend instead of grocery shopping), I will be officially starting the 21 day challenge on Wednesday (though I will be following all the guidelines/meals tomorrow as well). I'll post Wednesday with an official start weight, and keep everybody updated on how I'm doing!Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-6093903239076041102013-08-01T07:25:00.000-07:002013-08-01T07:25:04.038-07:00August newsOkay, business first.<br />
<br />
August measurements (I did <b>not</b> take measurements in July, so these numbers are two months lost instead of the typical one).<br />
<br />
Bust: 43.5" (0)<br />
Chest: 37" (0)<br />
Waist: 38" (-2.5)<br />
Hip: 48" (-2.5)<br />
Thigh: 26" (-3)<br />
Calve: 20" (-1.25)<br />
Upper Arm: 15" (-1)<br />
Forearm: 11" (-1)<br />
Neck: 15" (-1)<br />
<br />
Total inches lost in two months: 12.25"<br />
Total inches lost: 19.75"<br />
<br />
My weight has plateaued in the high 240s - it varies between 247 and 249 and hasn't shown any signs of dropping. I know why though; I've become very lazy with portion control. I'm going to be stepping up my game in the next few weeks before school starts. I've also been lazy with working out; again, going to step up that game before school starts.<br />
<br />
Onto the fun.<br />
<br />
My friend was here visiting last weekend and we went back-to-school shopping for clothes that (1) fit and (2) are professional enough to teach in.<br />
<br />
Here's a little peak at what we found.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmfEcyY5EzTBAV4VFS8DmMsZZ38BzoR7tNFuphw5c2ad-0zBM4TIKDF48xzvMwFRMZskKNuZHhyphenhyphenLBfP2QuenXf5pYI0Gi37I0ypE-7eXxDnR0VO7l1Hyct1ZJOR8SePRPLvOpmWiPpulY/s1600/photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmfEcyY5EzTBAV4VFS8DmMsZZ38BzoR7tNFuphw5c2ad-0zBM4TIKDF48xzvMwFRMZskKNuZHhyphenhyphenLBfP2QuenXf5pYI0Gi37I0ypE-7eXxDnR0VO7l1Hyct1ZJOR8SePRPLvOpmWiPpulY/s320/photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
5 pairs of pants (including one pair of size <b><u>16</u></b> capris - they *almost* fit perfectly); 6 tops and one pair of really cute sandals (I can wear nice sandals to school in the fall).<br />
<br />
Here's a pic of the size <u><b>18</b></u> jeans on - jeans that actually fit! :D<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQViKaZw2PUjK-bJBtbBeHN-9FaBeadQ5T1jFhFmXIZF3aqLxWPunlt2SM-95YWvp2hkXUN3iC-yreiAwog84QtZ51LaxWYMDRlsDO07VdA1qvK_lVM7Tm9YHNoMmBv6H8a2jqkeRwquQ/s1600/photo_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQViKaZw2PUjK-bJBtbBeHN-9FaBeadQ5T1jFhFmXIZF3aqLxWPunlt2SM-95YWvp2hkXUN3iC-yreiAwog84QtZ51LaxWYMDRlsDO07VdA1qvK_lVM7Tm9YHNoMmBv6H8a2jqkeRwquQ/s320/photo_1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
And then to top off the weekend, I found a size <u><b>16</b></u> little black dress that looks quite good (if I do say so myself). I am going to a fundraiser this weekend and will be wearing it - I'll be sure to get a picture to show everybody!<br />
<br />
Even though my weight is being stubborn, I am noticing how clothes fit differently (and that clothes that <i>fit</i> actually look and feel better) and being able to fit into sizes that are in the teens instead of twenties is a really good feeling.<br />
<br />
When I started trying to lose weight I was wearing size 22 jeans from Old Navy's plus size department. They had stretchy material in the stomach area and were the furthest thing from flattering imaginable. <i>And</i> they were dangerously close to not fitting; realizing that the next step was buying size 24 jeans was a big catalyst to get my butt in shape. Don't worry though; I've kept one pair of these jeans so that I can put them on and laugh at how far I've come; I'm planning an after picture in the jeans once I get to my goal weight - think I'll be able to fit both legs in one pants leg? :)<br />
<br />
Perhaps even crazier, is the fact that I'm looking forward to going shopping again to find another pair of jeans and maybe some more tops before school starts. Being able to fit into the things I want to try on in the fitting room is a crazy experience.<br />
<br />
I'm not the weight I thought I would be before school started; but that's okay. I'm going to challenge myself to see how healthy I can get in the next three weeks; I am planning to pretend like I am having to get to school by 7:15 in the morning (even if I don't actually have to) so that I get into the habit of waking up early, working out, getting ready and eating breakfast (and taking care of Owen!). <br />
<br />
And maybe I'll find some more cute clothes by the time school starts!<br />
<br />
<br />Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-78026728896216693882013-06-02T07:43:00.000-07:002013-06-02T07:56:15.369-07:00June - measurements and goalsJune measurements:<br />
<br />
Bust: 43.5" (-1.0)<br />
Chest: 37" (-2.0)<br />
Waist: 40.5" (-3.75)<br />
Hip: 50.5" (+0.5)<br />
Thigh: 29" (+0.5)<br />
Calve: 21.25" (-0.75)<br />
Upper Arm: 16" (-0.5)<br />
Forearm: 12" (-0.5)<br />
Neck: 16" (0)<br />
<br />
Total lost: 7.5"<br />
<br />
My goals for this month,<br />
<br />
Get my bloodwork done; I was supposed to do it about a month ago, but I didn't because I knew it wouldn't be good. Now that I've lost some weight and am eating healthy, I need to get it done and evaluate where my blood sugar is.<br />
<br />
Write my thesis (not health related, but it has to be done this month).<br />
<br />
Get my weight under 245 pounds - this goal is a little lofty, but if I lose an average of 2 pounds a week, I can do it.<br />
<br />
What are your goals this month?Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-47380209708455747792013-05-12T20:13:00.000-07:002013-05-12T20:13:27.910-07:00May measurementsNormally, the goal would be to do this on the first Sunday of the month, but I just found the tape measure recently (as in this weekend when I was cleaning up the apartment - future me, it's in the drawer in the bathroom) as I consistently lose them and I'm pretty sure I'll find at least 3 when I start packing to move. But, I digress. I recently found the tape measure and I got my measurements done today. In the future I will do this all together on the first Sunday of the month.<br />
<br />
At the start of the month, I weighed 258.6 (this week, 257.0).<br />
<br />
In case anybody has forgotten, here is my May pictures (I solemnly swear to do these every month - btw, I'm watching the Harry Potter marathon, are you?).<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2VScAHfxZeL-8CDRvuxQEqCzrIKQVPeWdttaTjbtt3ggQgpMPpuKdazPTkKuvHhbVlr85gK_7MV-e_EINsCVbZdAGfhQg4uGH4dHbhx5hnLgPNmwkgNMxWqcM6tb9KMjpnuuJE6CExWE/s1600/May+Picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2VScAHfxZeL-8CDRvuxQEqCzrIKQVPeWdttaTjbtt3ggQgpMPpuKdazPTkKuvHhbVlr85gK_7MV-e_EINsCVbZdAGfhQg4uGH4dHbhx5hnLgPNmwkgNMxWqcM6tb9KMjpnuuJE6CExWE/s400/May+Picture.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">May 2013</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And here are my measurements for the month.<br />
<br />
Bust: 44.5"<br />
Chest: 39"<br />
Waist: 44.25"<br />
Hip: 50"<br />
Thigh: 28.5"<br />
Calve: 22"<br />
Upper Arm: 16.5"<br />
Forearm: 12.5"<br />
Neck: 16"<br />
<br />
(and yes, somehow those seem worse to do now than writing my weight... can't wait to see those numbers go down too!)Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-83839889456449237332013-05-06T21:35:00.000-07:002013-05-06T21:35:24.819-07:00Week 2 observationsSo, I have been living my new life for about two weeks now, and I have been noticing and learning new things along the way.<br />
<br />
First - and maybe most important - is that I don't have any guilt about eating anymore. Before, even when I did have something that was healthy, I felt guilty every time I ate. I was overeating and then feeling stuffed and guilty when I finally finished. Because I felt so guilty, I would starve myself between meals, waiting to eat until I was so hungry I didn't care what I ate or how much I ate. Because I was so hungry, I would overeat, and the cycle would start again.<br />
<br />
Now, I plan out all my meals in the morning and I know the snacks I plan to eat throughout the day. Honestly, most days - I plan too many snacks, but I'd rather have too many options than not enough. I'm starting my day with breakfast, everyday. Depending on when I have breakfast, I'll have a small snack before lunch and then another snack before dinner. And then, I even have room in my calories to have a small "dessert" (fruit). Because I know what I'm going to eat when I start my day, I don't feel any guilt about sticking to my plan and eating throughout the day.<br />
<br />
I didn't even feel guilty when I went out for Cinco de Mayo with my friend last night; I had way too much sodium for breakfast and lunch, but compensated by drinking lots of water. I drank a lot of water with dinner and then another 500ml when I got home before bed. Of course, my weight was elevated this morning, but instead of letting it derail me, I planned a super low sodium day with plenty of water and fruit and a long walk. And I feel great about my food choices for the day (and I'm looking forward to getting my berries and whip cream for dessert).<br />
<br />
I'm learning about appropriate portion sizes (like, did you know that an appropriate portion of lean protein is only 3 ounces? I got 6 appropriately sized portions of chicken out of two chicken breasts that I bought this weekend). I'm still eating boil-in-a-bag brown rice, but I'm measuring it out and only eating one portion and saving the rest for later. Fruit and veggies though, I pretty much let myself eat however much I want.<br />
<br />
I realized just how much fat I was eating; even in the form of seemingly healthy fats (like olive oil). I made a fantastic salad dressing today out of honey, dijon mustard, and balsamic vinegar - absolutely no oil required! And I saved half to marinate my asparagus for dinner, which was fantastic, by the way. This is what I like about tracking everything I plan to eat in sparkpeople before I start my day (I update if I change anything throughout the day, but it gives me a starting point). That way, I can see right away if I'm going to go over my daily allowances of any macro nutrients, and make changes accordingly. And tracking in the morning as I eat breakfast is way easier than tracking throughout the day as I eat.<br />
<br />
I <i>feel</i> so much better. I'm sleeping awesome at night and I've had very little acid reflux (it was so bad a year ago, that combined with stress I was throwing up 4 or more times a week). I'm looking forward to getting rid of acid reflux once and for all, without medications. Because I'm eating more often, and fueling my body with healthy things, I don't get hunger headaches anymore and my brain seems to be functioning a little better (more clear headed). I took my blood pressure last night and it was [almost] normal for the first time in a long time. I'm looking forward to lowering my blood sugar and hearing a doctor say (hopefully sooner rather than later) that I don't have insulin resistance anymore.<br />
<br />
Working out isn't just a high for me, eating healthy is too. Every time I eat something that I know is good for me, I feel empowered and excited to keep going with eating healthy. I love getting to go to bed at night and rest my muscles, but I also love waking up still sore from my workout the day before. Those things combined, make doing the "right" thing everyday inherently reinforcing, so I keep doing it. I haven't cheat since I made the decision to eat healthy (I don't count my Sunday splurge as a cheat because it was planned and I made relatively healthy choices, all things considered). I haven't binged and I haven't eaten something I've said I wasn't going to eat. That's two trips to the grocery store with no bags of potato chips bought (incidentally, I love Trader Joe's because they don't carry the crap I'm addicted to - and yes, it is an addiction).<br />
<br />
I've always said I like eating healthy foods - but I'm finding out it's really true. I love fruits and veggies and I'm excited to keep trying new things and new ways to eat them. I love my food co-op I tried last weekend, and I signed up for a new round this week - once I've tried a few baskets I'll blog more about them and show you some photos of the produce that I've gotten.<br />
<br />
I feel energized to keep going; obviously what I'm doing is working (I lost almost 3 pounds last week), and even though I know this is going to be a long journey, I've broken down what I want into <a href="http://adogforkatherineislosingit.blogspot.com/2013/04/goal-setting.html" target="_blank">manageable goals</a>. This feels permanent and sustainable because I'm going about it in a completely healthy way and I'm 100% committed to getting healthy, and I'm excited to keep going and reach my goal weight!Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-73731973030067610852013-04-29T11:21:00.002-07:002013-04-30T09:43:42.789-07:00Goal settingObviously, goal setting is super important to what I am trying to do. So I thought I would sit down and explain where I came up with my numbers and also think about [for myself] what my goals along the way are.<br />
<br />
My current long-term goal is 155 pounds. I didn't just pull this number out of thin air; according to a lot of BMI calculators, this would put me right in the "healthy" category as opposed to "overweight." (Some calculators still put 155 at a BMI of 25, overweight).<br />
<br />
However, I really do think that once I get down to 155, I'll want to keep going. Not an unhealthy amount, but it would be nice to be square in a healthy BMI range without having to worry that one day off plan would send me into overweight territory. I <i>think</i> I want to aim for 135 being my eventual goal weight; but for right now I want to focus on being healthy. Once I get to 155, I'll reevaluate and see whether I'm happy there, or should keep working on losing weight.<br />
<br />
One of my first big goals is obviously getting out of the 200's. I cannot wait for that day when the scale says 199. This will also mean that I will be more than half-way done with my weight loss goals. But, 199 is a long way away (61 pounds as of this morning... well, that doesn't sound too terrible), and I want to celebrate smaller goals on the way down to keep me motivated.<br />
<br />
The first short-term goal I have is to lose 25 pounds. This would put me at 249; closer to 200 than 300 pounds (let me tell you, when I was gaining weight, that realization that I was closer to 300 than 200 was not a happy day).<br />
<br />
After that I want to lose 54 pounds; a goal weight of 220. For some reason I have 220 stuck in my head as a time where I wasn't thoroughly disgusted with my body. (And 220 is closer to 200 than it is to 250, so that's always a good thing).<br />
<br />
My weekly goal is to lose between 1 and 2 pounds. That may not sound like a lot, but it's a manageable goal that I think I can meet easily each week. If I lose more than that (and I hope I will once my metabolism gets going), then great! But as long as the scale is lower (even if it is by just 1 pound), I will be happy. Also, I know that I have a lot going for me in that I am 22. I really really hope that once I lose the weight, I don't have to worry about excess skin (but that is not an excuse for staying heavy!). Being young is a huge help for this, and also losing weight slowly. People who are a candidate for the surgery lose 50%+ of their body weight, if I weighed 135, I would have lost 50.7%. Hopefully, by losing weight in a slow, healthy way, I can avoid having to have surgery (because I've seen pictures and heard about it, and it does not sound like something I want to do!).<br />
<br />
There are 18 weeks between now and the start of the school year (when I will hopefully have a teaching job). If I lose an average of 2 pounds a week between now and then, I would weigh 225 pounds. A huge difference!<br />
<br />
There are 35 weeks between now and my 23rd birthday (and the start of the new year); if I kept up with my weight loss, I would weigh 191 pounds on my birthday! That is exciting and super motivating.<br />
<br />
And in one year? I could be at 157; almost to my goal weight.<br />
<br />
Breaking it down slowly like this helps a lot. It is manageable. It is possible. And it will happen.<br />
<br />
I think people who say that this isn't about getting thin are lying; of course it is about getting thin. I am not healthy at the weight I am; when I lose weight my cholesterol and blood pressure will be lower and I will reverse the insulin resistance. But do I imagine what my new life will be like being thin? Hell yeah. I can imagine what it will be like to go shopping and buy clothes in normal stores; I can't wait to buy clothes! I imagine sitting in the airplane seats not thinking they are too small and not worrying about encroaching on the stranger sitting next to me. I can imagine what it will be like to be thin; to be a healthy weight and to not worry that my weight will hold me back. Hell yeah, this is about losing weight and being thin. But as much as I want to be thin, it's also about not worrying about lifetime of Type 2 diabetes or a lifetime of blood pressure or cholesterol medications.<br />
<br />
For me this is about losing the weight, being thin, and being healthy... and doing it all in a healthy way.<br />
<br />
Only 12 more pounds to go until I can officially say I am closer to 200 than to 300 pounds. Let's go!Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-58512454614498004022013-04-28T21:51:00.000-07:002013-04-28T21:51:04.819-07:00So this is what they meant.....when they said you lose a lot of water weight first.<br />
<br />
Because I have cried a lot in the last week. This must be what they're talking about right? Or am I the only one christening workouts and healthy dinners with tears?<br />
<br />Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-11601720594304929442013-04-27T22:25:00.003-07:002013-04-27T22:26:12.657-07:00The beginning...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhOQPpWgHPG-lVi1DbERXCgiM4hsf9sNSZZGnH-_3oiMQXnBeg4FetPS-jrzgq8xW8BuGCTTFVSKpFewxV8baxLLKlI74jFseWNGnh6Oj32jBW2_awp9o4kB5-5DBJm_XA7iV3uie2prI/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-04-27+at+7.48.51+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhOQPpWgHPG-lVi1DbERXCgiM4hsf9sNSZZGnH-_3oiMQXnBeg4FetPS-jrzgq8xW8BuGCTTFVSKpFewxV8baxLLKlI74jFseWNGnh6Oj32jBW2_awp9o4kB5-5DBJm_XA7iV3uie2prI/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-04-27+at+7.48.51+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Here they are. The before pictures.<br />
<br />
Let's get going. :)Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-19760201017509416882013-04-25T14:10:00.001-07:002013-04-28T21:54:06.344-07:00Stumbling blocks. New day. New plan.Yesterday, I spent a lot of time driving around and while I was driving I got to thinking a lot about my weight and what I am and am not doing right. I spent the weekend looking at inspirational weight-loss blogs and wondering why my blog is all about me failing.<br />
<br />
The end of the semester is coming, and with it my anxiety, the loss of my short-term memory, and a strong urge to binge eat. I was doing well, I was keeping up with jogging and I was walking 3 miles everyday when Owen and I were in Houston. I came back from Texas weighing 261 pounds, something I was very pleased with because I knew I had not made good food choices the last few days there. However, stressors in Houston (family) and stressors when I got back from Houston (migraines and school), I’ve binged more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. They aren’t full-out binges, I don’t eat all the food in the house. But, they are still binges and I need to acknowledge them as that. It isn’t normal to sit and eat through an entire bag of chips for a “snack”. And as I sat there reading all those inspirational blog posts, I wondered why I leave the store with all healthy things in my cart - fruits and veggies and chicken sausages and whole grains… And a bag of chips. And I wondered why I go home with all my fresh, healthy foods and sit down to eat the bag of chips. Not a snack size bag, but a full-sized bag of chips. I hate myself afterwards. I always do, and yet I still do it again.<br />
<br />
I’m not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to set myself up for failure and then wonder why I failed. I'm not going to put things in my cart thinking that I will be able to control myself, I’m not going to let my emotions go grocery shopping for me. I need to do it was a clear head. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see; hating that I haven’t been honest with myself. Hating that I’m only half committing myself to what needs to be a full-time job. If I am serious about losing weight, I need to do it 100%.<br />
<br />
I recently signed up for a CSA (community supported agriculture) in Spokane and I'm really hoping that it ends up being a good thing. It is very affordable and it’s a way to get food that I should be eating without going to the grocery store; if I don’t go to the grocery store, I can’t buy unhealthy things.<br />
<br />
I am also going to stop looking at a restaurant as a chance to “cheat”. Going out should be about being with my family and friends, not about how badly I can break my diet. I'm tired of going out with friends and then waking up the next morning feeling awful about myself, wishing I had made it made a better choice, wishing that I haven't gone out all. I love healthy foods, I'm not sure why when given the chance I turned to unhealthy things that I know I shouldn’t be eating instead of healthier options on the menu. I have plans to go out with the other grad students this weekend – to sushi. And instead of seeing it as a free-for-all (and eating the oh-so-good fried rolls) and instead of caving to pressure and ordering the same cheap rolls as everybody else, I’ve looked at the menu online and have planned what I am going to get. I am going to order an expensive meal, but a healthy one. One that I know I will like and one that I know will be good for me. And I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends and the fact that somebody else is preparing and cleaning up after my food, instead of worrying about and feeling guilty about what I am eating.<br />
<br />
I know that losing weight doesn't come without an emotional sacrifice. You certainly don't get to be 275 pounds without carrying a lot of emotional baggage with you. There's a lot I haven't written about, about my weight gain, about my self-image both before and after I was heavy, but suffice it to say my story is no different than a lot of other women out there. I had crap happen in my life my and I turned to food to fix it. There's nothing I want more right now – except maybe a job – than to reclaim my life and to be able to live without my weight holding me back. I don't want every decision I make and every waking moment to be wrapped up in my weight. Whether it something I don't feel comfortable doing because I'm heavy, or a decision I have to make because I'm trying to lose weight.<br />
<br />
One of the things I'm good at, is planning. I love making lists and I love planning things; it’s something I especially like to do when my anxiety gets out of control because planning things helps me to feel in control. And so today yesterday I went to the office store and bought a bunch of different colored sharpies and a new calendar and I sat down last night I planned my workouts for the next month. Workouts every day, using my elliptical, using the things I have in my apartment, and using the outdoors. I recently had to cancel my gym membership because I really can't afford it right now, and I know that I wasn't using it as much as I should've been. That doesn't mean I'm not going to work out, I have a very nice elliptical machine and I have lots of workout videos. I also have a dog who needs to go on walks. I have workouts planned every single day for the next 30-odd days. I'm doing the 30-day-squat challenge, and the 30-day-ab challenge while mixing in cardio and various other things. I know that by eating right and by getting active, I can make a difference in my body.<br />
<br />
I know that this is a journey of trial and error, and I've definitely made a few errors along the way, but I'm finally ready to step up and take charge of my life. I can imagine what my new life will be like. I can imagine feeling confident in my body, being able to go shopping at the mall with friends and go to the same stores that they do and actually find clothes that fit and look good. I can feel what it would be like to ride horses again; it's not something you ever forget. When I reach my goal weight I'm going to seriously look into purchasing a horse; I don't care help how broke I am, it's something I need to do for myself. I can see what my new life will be like and I know I want to start living it, but I've been so scared to start.<br />
<br />
No longer.<br />
<br />
I'm ready to start living.<br />
<br />
(Follow my daily progress and workout/food plans at my new facebook page: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ADogForKatherineIsLosingIt">A Dog for Katherine is Losing It</a>)
Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-58795862753665471652013-03-12T12:54:00.000-07:002013-03-12T12:54:34.129-07:00Radical changeIn full disclosure, I'm writing this post a week before I intend to post it. If I fall through, I won't post this and you won't be reading it (so me writing that is a bit of a moot point).<br />
<br />
For the people who are linked to this blog from my main blog, welcome.<br />
<br />
I'm officially outing myself.<br />
<br />
I am more than 100 pounds overweight.<br />
<br />
I am bigger than any of the female contestants on the Biggest Loser this season.<br />
<br />
I wear a size 22.<br />
<br />
I have pre-pre-diabetes (insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome).<br />
<br />
And r<a href="http://adogforkatherineislosingit.blogspot.com/2013/02/letting-go.html" target="_blank">egardless of </a><a href="http://adogforkatherine.blogspot.com/2012/08/baggage.html" target="_blank">how I got here</a>, I am the one who is in charge of changing it.<br />
<br />
I am incredibly stubborn. Anything I chose to do, I can and will get done. But losing weight? There is so much crap wrapped up in why I am so overweight, that mentally this is something I struggle to overcome. I finally feel like I am ready to move on.<br />
<br />
The month of February was not a good month for being healthy. I would do everything right Monday through Friday afternoon, and then blow it on the weekend. Once I had one bad day, and I saw the high number on the scale, I would blow it the rest of the weekend. I was binging (not full-on binging, but still binging). I haven't binged in years.<br />
<br />
I know I was self-sabotaging. I was afraid that just like every other time I've attempted to lose weight, that this wouldn't work either, and because of that fear I was blowing it for myself.<br />
<br />
I've also learned that saying "no carbs" just makes me want to eat carbs that much more.<br />
<br />
I'm finding a balance. I'm limiting myself to whole-grains and vegetables that have carbohydrates instead of refined carbs. But the trade is that I am working on eating more veggies and working out more.<br />
<br />
Something has possessed me to try running.<br />
<br />
I have never been a runner. I joke that if I try to run, I trip and fall because I am a klutz. I would tell you that in my entire life I've never been able to run.<br />
<br />
And this is a reason that I think elementary PE really screwed me up. I was always the slowest runner in every gym class I've ever taken. Even when I was a healthy weight. I have asthma that was <i>way</i> worse as a kid (I used to have to breathe into a nebulizer machine every night). Of course I wasn't going to be able to run easily. By the time I was in high school PE I was making excuses not to run, because I thought I couldn't. But what I'm finding out, is that it isn't actually all that hard to <strike>run</strike> jog slowly. And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would. In fact, dare I say it, I kind of like waking up and going for a jog. But thanks to physical education for years and years I never thought this would be something I could do.<br />
<br />
I was talking with a friend the other week about her running, and she was saying how she ran when she was stressed.<br />
<br />
I know another friend who lost a lot of weight running.<br />
<br />
I think runners look <u><i>good</i></u>. It's an exercise that uses your whole body, and that shows. Somebody who runs is fit.<br />
<br />
I was watching the Biggest Loser the other week and Danni was running a mile with Sunny. And it dawned on me that there was somebody who a few weeks ago was almost as big as I am, and she was able to easily jog a mile. (I'm watching this week's episode right now and she's jogging as I type...)<br />
<br />
I love the idea of getting up early to go for a run before I have to start my day or at the end of a long stressful day. I like the thought of being that person.<br />
<br />
So what's stopping me?<br />
<br />
<i>Well,</i> pessimist-me said, <i>you don't know how to run.</i><br />
<br />
So, like any good nerd would do, I, quite literally, googled "how to start running." I found this great article online which basically said: get off the couch, put on your tennis shoes, leave the house, and go run.<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>Huh, is it really that easy?</i><br />
<br />
Turns out it is. Owen and I went <strike>running</strike> jogging-in-slow-motion for the first time yesterday. <i> </i>I brought him with me. You see, he is my prop. When I can't run anymore, I slow to a walk and I look like a person out walking their dog instead of somebody trying to run. I figure when I can run for long bursts of time and look like I know what I'm doing, I'll let him decide if he comes or not.<br />
<br />
So today, I got a little more serious. I told people I went jogging (they were all flabbergasted) and I told my mom that I want to go to her special shoe store where they find shoes for you based on how you walk and your needs (I <i>hurt</i> today, but it's mainly from old broken shoes instead of workout pain). I ordered an armband for my iPhone (it will fit <u>over</u> my case on the phone - which by the way, I have no idea how to take off...) and I ordered these really cool attachments for my iPhone ear buds so they will be "running" ear buds.<br />
<br />
I cried when I realized I needed to order the arm-band extender.<br />
<br />
I downloaded a new app for my iPhone (miCoach - I'll review it once I get used to it). It downloads workouts to your iPhone and will coach you through them and track your pace and progress.<br />
<br />
If you're reading this blog post, it means I completed the first set of workouts (5).<br />
<br />
If I didn't complete them... Again. Moot point. :)<br />
<br />
I have a lot of goals. I have a lot of things I want.<br />
<br />
I want to look considerably better at my graduation from my Master's program in May than I did at last year's commencement (I <i>hate</i> looking at those photos).<br />
<br />
I want to look more toned and look good in interview clothes when I go to Texas in April so that I make a good first impression.<br />
<br />
When I start my first job, I want to be able to wear clothes like the other teachers instead of clothes that don't fit my body and don't look good. I want to be able to squat and kneel and do all the things I need to do as a teacher (including chase kids!).<br />
<br />
I have signed up for NBC to email me when they are holding Biggest Loser auditions for next season. By the time I get that email, I want to not fit their criteria anymore. I want to get that email and laugh at the fact that I thought that may have been my last choice. I want to know I was able to do this myself. <br />
<br />
And as always, in one year I want to not be making weight loss goals anymore. I want to have "staying healthy" goals.<br />
<br />
There's a website where you can set your body type, height, and other features and plug in your current weight and your goal weight and it lets you see how you look at both. This is my picture that was created.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.modelmydiet.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSIl-0cHhMqGFxlcy9t0DpOaTDNWNs1pCyqR1bgsHteZmv9XCPo7-B_xBDi9rEH7gIHb4xVGBUEQG-JYOgLpSo2SVsvfT8yw2CowZJJa30HnhswYKYo16QBVedq0Fl60YAQ-iNNofkh9w/s320/Screen+Shot+2013-03-06+at+11.31.24+AM.png" width="311" /></a></div>
<br />
The image on the left is my highest weight, the image on the right would be if I lost a total of 119 pounds. I literally have an entire person to get rid of. I'm working on getting actual photos of myself to put up, and measurements and whatnot so that one day I can be one of those people you see on Pinterest with a before and after photo that links to my blog. Which means I need to get going before Pinterest becomes obsolete!<br />
<br />
UPDATE (1 week after first writing this post):<br />
<br />
So I did it. I stuck with running for more than one week. In fact, I have gone jogging/running/speed-walking/whatever-you-want-to-call-it a total of six times since I first decided to try running. I'm able to jog for longer periods of time and am able to catch my breath easier. I like the running app I'm using, it starts out nice and easy so you don't get overwhelmed by what you are trying to do.<br />
<br />
I have new running shoes that I was evaluated and fit for... I don't like them. Not yet at least. With the Tourette's, I wear really <i>really</i> crappy shoes. I'm going to tic. That's a given. If I'm wearing shoes with support that don't break and mold to my feet, it hurts when my feet tic. If I wear crappy shoes with no support, it doesn't hurt so bad because the shoes bend when my feet bend. The running shoes I got have a <i>lot</i> of support, I need it. My feet are in shock right now at having to use shoes that have a great deal of support, and even though they felt good in the store, they hurt like hell now to wear.<br />
<br />
I'm sucking it up when I go running now, and I'm going to start wearing the shoes on my rest days to continue breaking them in. I think once my feet get used to them, they will make a huge difference.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, I weighed in at 259.4, which puts my total lost right now at 15 pounds. My goal weight is 155 pounds; that's what the BMI calculators say is a healthy weight. My first short-term goal is to lose 10%; 27 pounds. That's the first big milestone where they say you make big improvements to your overall health (lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, lower risk of type 2 diabetes - all things I am concerned about). Only 12 pounds to go!Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-38058037132791677492013-02-19T16:56:00.000-08:002013-02-19T16:56:44.276-08:00Letting GoI've had to let go of a lot of things over the years.<br />
<br />
The hardest though, was letting go of the sense of self that I had before Tourette's. The person who I thought I was going to become didn't exist anymore. I struggled to find a new sense of identity, a new understanding of who I was.<br />
<br />
I have it now.<br />
<br />
I am a person with Tourette Syndrome. No, it doesn't define me. But it explains who I am better than anything else can. I am strong and stubborn. I am not readily embarrassed. I have an extremely high pain threshold. I'm able to multi-task like a champ. I have to work harder than a "normal" person for anything I want to achieve.<br />
<br />
That part of me? It doesn't need fixing.<br />
<br />
When I go to a doctor the first thing they see is "Tourette Syndrome". They then ask about medications for it and question my decision to be medication free. They hear me ask them about remedies for severe muscle cramps and turn around and offer me tic meds instead. They hear me list the homeopathic pills that control my migraines as well as prescription medications ever did and cut me off, asking, "But are you on any prescriptions?" <br />
<br />
They see this part of me as needing to be fixed. If I'm ticcing, then clearly there is something wrong and I need medication. Clearly, I want to not tic anymore. Obviously, I want to just be "normal".<br />
<br />
But this? The ticcing and migraines and chronic pain and exhaustion and making a fool out of myself every time I go out into public? That's who I am. I've let go the person who I thought I would become (through a long grief process that took a lot of years to work through) and I'm happy with who I am. I have a good life. I don't need to "fix" something that isn't broken.<br />
<br />
But in their endeavors to fix something that didn't need fixing in the first place, the doctors caused a condition that I had no business having in the first place. Something, that without the pills I never would have had to live with. They gave me metabolic syndrome. Insulin resistance.<br />
<br />
The pills made me gain weight and due to that weight gain and what the pills were doing to my body, my metabolism slowed down. Now, it's hard for me to process carbohydrates and because of that my body has to produce more insulin, which raises my blood sugar and results in weight gain.<br />
<br />
I never would have had to even know that, if it weren't for these doctor's and their "cures". The doctors aren't the ones who suggested I get the blood draw to test for an insulin problem, I was. I am the one who sought out and endocrinologist and I am the one who asked for these tests to be done. How much longer would the doctors have waited before coming to this conclusion by themselves? How long did I wait in silence, knowing something was wrong, but trusting the doctors? How long did I gain weight knowing there was something not right, but not knowing what I could do about it?<br />
<br />
This? This I don't think I will be able to let go.<br />
<br />
I'm certainly not ready to now. <br />
<br />
How do I move on from feeling betrayed by doctors who supposedly knew more about my condition than I did? How do I move on knowing that no doctor will ever apologize for what they did to me? No doctor will ever be held accountable for poisoning my body with prescription pills. No doctor will even broach the subject with me. They think that you should be happy if your tics are gone, even if you are overweight. They think that it is better to be obese than it is to have Tourette Syndrome. What kind of person would chose a disability over being thin?<br />
<br />
But that isn't a choice I was given. I was simply told to take the pills. There was no discussion, nobody once said, "Maybe you should try something else if you're gaining this much weight." Nobody even once said anything about my weight gain.<br />
<br />
My general practitioner did this winter - I have borderline high blood pressure, but in a doctor's office it skyrockets to the point that you would think I were having a stroke. I despise doctor's offices and I get stressed and anxious just thinking about it. As my doctor and I were discussing this, she made the fatal error of saying if I lost weight it would probably help my blood pressure.<br />
<br />
No shit.<br />
<br />
As though I don't care about my weight. As if I eat myself into oblivion every night. As if I binge and don't exercise and don't care about how I look or feel. When the truth of the matter is, I eat the same amount as any person. I don't exercise as much as I should, but how many college students do? Off of the pills that were dulling my senses and making me tired I exercise way more now. I was being as healthy as I knew how to be and doing everything I knew how to do, it just didn't work.<br />
<br />
And she had the gall to act like my weight was a revelation. As if just pointing it out would solve my problems.<br />
<br />
I don't get what the deal with doctors is. They'll discuss anything candidly with you until it comes to your weight. No wonder we have an obesity epidemic in this country. If your doctor won't discuss it with you and bring it up, than maybe it isn't really a problem. My doctor acted ashamed that she had to talk to me about being overweight, as though it were a taboo subject that she didn't want to broach. That shouldn't be how it is.<br />
<br />
If they're so ready to find a "fix" for my tics (something I maintain needs no fixing), then shouldn't they be just as ready to help me find a fix for my weight?<br />
<br />
I'm angry and frustrated. I'm so mad that this is my fight now and I wasn't the one who put me in this position to begin with. I was 15 and clinically depressed, of course I was going to take whatever pills the doctors and my parents told me to take. When I was 17 and they put me on migraine preventatives, even though I knew the pills were making me gain weight I was <i>terrified </i>to stop taking them. I was terrified of the migraines I would get without the meds. But you know what? I'm on homeopathic supplements and doing fine.<br />
<br />
I wasn't capable of making those decisions for myself at that point in time. And the people who were making those decisions made the wrong ones. Yet, somehow, it is my job to fix it.<br />
<br />
So, no. I'm not ready to let go yet. Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-77061412256461052432013-01-31T21:47:00.000-08:002013-01-31T21:47:07.357-08:00CravingsDamn Atkins is making me crave things. All I want is sweets and breads and anything that's a carb.<br />
<br />
I'm not having them though.<br />
<br />
I'm staying strong. For the most part.<br />
<br />
I'm prescribing to the idea of 90/10 - 90% of the time is hardcore Atkins and 10% of the time I can splurge. For example, I had some brown rice this week at Chipotle. But, I didn't have beans or the tortilla, and I had the lowest-carb salsa (medium in case you're wondering). <br />
<br />
Tomorrow night I might allow myself some carbs; it depends how my weigh-in goes in the morning. I have an excel graph where I've plotted out how I envision my weight loss trajectory going in a healthy way that has all of my weight lost by this time next year. Obviously, it would be better if it were quicker, but I'll be so happy to lose anything, I'm okay keeping at it for one year. I'm on track for where I wanted to be at the end of January.<br />
<br />
My goal is to be at 220 by my graduation in May. It's a little extreme, but so is this diet.Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-83103196275166621252013-01-20T20:43:00.001-08:002013-01-20T20:43:07.743-08:00Day 1Seven months ago I wrote <a href="http://adogforkatherineislosingit.blogspot.com/2012/06/todays-day.html" target="_blank">this</a>.<br />
<br />
Seven months ago I thought my life was beginning.<br />
<br />
Seven months ago I would have said in seven months I'll be so much closer to reaching my goal.<br />
<br />
To being healthy.<br />
<br />
In seven months I have accomplished nothing.<br />
<br />
I tried. I worked my ass off all summer. For nothing. I'm embarrassed to read some old blog posts talking about how much I was at the gym. About how many hours I was working out. About how heavy the weights were that I was lifting. But it was difficult to keep up with that when the school year started and I was seeing no changes on the scale. So I stopped.<br />
<br />
This week I've been to the gym twice. I have plans to go 3 times next week. I'm not going to kill myself overdoing it, especially because of the next step of my plan.<br />
<br />
I'm going full-blown Atkins.<br />
<br />
My last post said I was <a href="http://adogforkatherineislosingit.blogspot.com/2013/01/waiting.html" target="_blank">waiting</a>, waiting for an answer from doctors. I have my answer. Insulin resistance. Otherwise known as metabolic syndrome.<br />
<br />
On one hand, I'm glad to know I'm not crazy. I'm glad to know that the reason I haven't lost weight doing the right things is because it's 5x harder for me to lose weight than a "normal" person. And because of that I can't just do things the right way most of the time, it has to be the right way 100% of the time and then some.<br />
<br />
On the other hand? It's another diagnosis and I've been prescribed more meds to take because my blood sugar levels are too high. I don't have prediabetes, but it's dangerously close. If I don't get this under control, the next step is prediabetes followed by Type 2 diabetes.<br />
<br />
I realized today while I was in bed thinking before I got up that a diagnosis of diabetes means never again will I have freedom eating what I want to. Every food decision I make will be clouded by the fact that I have diabetes. Insulin resistance is completely reversible through exercise and weight loss. It's possible my body really doesn't tolerate carbohydrates well; maybe I will never be able to eat carbs again without spiking my blood sugar and worrying about what it will do to my body. But if I am healthy, if I don't have insulin resistance, I can splurge once in a while. I can go out with friends and eat what I want to, as long as I am careful the rest of the week. I could have ice cream without doing dangerous things to my body. I wouldn't have to be 100% careful 100% of the time.<br />
<br />
I love food. I love good food. I love trying new things and going to good restaurants or cooking good food. I don't want to have to worry every minute of every day about what I'm eating. I want the freedom that comes with being healthy; so for now I'm willing to sacrifice that freedom.<br />
<br />
The doctors recommended I go on a low carb diet. They're sending me information in the mail about exactly what they want me to do. However... I do everything to the extreme. If my problem is carbohydrates; that my body can't convert them to energy without spiking my blood sugar which in turn causes weight gain, then why don't I just cut carbs all together?<br />
<br />
Atkins is hard core. For phase 1 (which I'm planning on extending from 2 weeks to 4 weeks (or maybe longer) to maximize weight loss), I don't get fruit, startchy vegetables, or any grains. I'm supposed to eat around 20 grams of "net-carbs" a day (fiber doesn't count). What I'm quickly finding out, is that <i>everything</i> has carbohydrates. I'm allowed to eat a lot of protein and basically as many veggies as I can (8 cups a day between salads and cooked veggies). I went shopping with Owen yesterday and stocked my fridge with all sorts of non-startchy vegetables (fennel, zucchini, green beans, lettuce, radishes, squash...) and lots of proteins. I can have cheese in small amounts, and if there is one thing that rivals my love of <i>really</i> good bread. It's really good cheese. I think Owen and I may venture to Trader Joe's one day to check out their cheese selection. If I have to give up bread, I'm going to enjoy my cheese.<br />
<br />
I'm a good cook. In fact, were things different in my life (no "calling" to be a special ed teacher and no Owen), I think I would have ended up in culinary school. I may love good bread and sweets, but I trust in my ability to make a meal from just a protein source and veggies. I love eating vegetables, and I am going to use this time on Atkins to explore different vegetables and different ways of cooking them. I know I can cook and I know I can cook vegetables in a way that I will want to eat them. But I also bought an Atkins cookbook because I have never consciously cooked low-carb in my life. Once I run out of what I know, I know I will be happy to have some inspiration for new meal and snack ideas.<br />
<br />
Day 1 on Atkins (aka: the day my life <i>really</i> begins): 265 pounds. 110 to go. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHTw1RHpZfkrVqRQMxvOoRA874Pi6M0W-pJqggdmzGejnSOh2HX2O3L90qIt0Z0VxXJbsDYTJA4jDOWpF7jcEnIehOJ90mvT_sCMM-LByMCmShwIkewQuhmYSUXr6xOXIhIZUgVnUyCqw/s1600/day+1+breakfast.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHTw1RHpZfkrVqRQMxvOoRA874Pi6M0W-pJqggdmzGejnSOh2HX2O3L90qIt0Z0VxXJbsDYTJA4jDOWpF7jcEnIehOJ90mvT_sCMM-LByMCmShwIkewQuhmYSUXr6xOXIhIZUgVnUyCqw/s200/day+1+breakfast.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
Breakfast: super cheesy scrambled eggs with a smidge of sour cream. 3 eggs with 2 oz of cheese; I think tomorrow I will try with just 1 oz of cheese (I only get 4 oz a day).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiugzlYYWbJn2f0r3sHK5TkvWXVySFTiM_lusSFjva_Cv4xRyXWBKXqAYQXakmC2lzU3c6-8smE0HY8S6efwnzWIxsQ68uwAbJ1V941QoEY6LCIjV166fpH4i5KD0oHaH6rIJQQxp7D9JE/s1600/day+1+lunch.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiugzlYYWbJn2f0r3sHK5TkvWXVySFTiM_lusSFjva_Cv4xRyXWBKXqAYQXakmC2lzU3c6-8smE0HY8S6efwnzWIxsQ68uwAbJ1V941QoEY6LCIjV166fpH4i5KD0oHaH6rIJQQxp7D9JE/s200/day+1+lunch.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
Lunch: 2 small hamburgers with cheddar & pepperjack cheese (1/2 oz of cheese on each) & salad (dressed with olive oil, half a lemon, and parmesan cheese). I also had some club soda with the leftover lemon; the meds the doctors have me on are making me nauseous. (My salad ended up being my afternoon snack as the meds I took right before lunch made me so nauseous I didn't want to eat for a while.)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio62HJMl8TjAGxtGsndwMkFYC7XPjKY-NxOSZmU0DLD522gavFwhfS783n_XH9cAMGz-XpnHuEiR3KITiphqswvlei6LdaOIMzqyl3hJUGEntSMG22Se-gZy7_E3PGRFlUGEfpXxhmtyM/s1600/day+1+dinner.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio62HJMl8TjAGxtGsndwMkFYC7XPjKY-NxOSZmU0DLD522gavFwhfS783n_XH9cAMGz-XpnHuEiR3KITiphqswvlei6LdaOIMzqyl3hJUGEntSMG22Se-gZy7_E3PGRFlUGEfpXxhmtyM/s200/day+1+dinner.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>
Dinner: pan fried green beans (with garlic & lemon) and steak with olive tapenade. Yum! <br />
<br />
I'm having more club soda (with lemon) now as a preventative to settle my stomach as I had to take the second pill after dinner. There's no rhubarb in the stores now; I forgot to check the freezer section in the store. <i>If</i> I can find rhubarb, I can cook it down - Atkins says with artificial sweetener, I'll probably use honey or agave because I don't like eating the artificial stuff - and eat it with heavy cream for "dessert".<br />
<br />
Day 1 was a success! Here's to.... a lot more. Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-47505412560033365382013-01-16T20:30:00.001-08:002013-01-16T20:30:57.791-08:00Waiting...I am still waiting to hear back from the doctor on the results of my lab work. They are suspicious of two things:<br />
<br />
1) Insulin resistance - it's basically pre-pre-diabetes. There wouldn't be anything medically to do in this case; but it would be helpful to know if I am insulin resistant. This would mean it would be 5x harder for me to lose weight than an "average" person; so for every 2 pounds I lose, someone putting in just as much work would lose 10. Another way of looking at it would be that for every one month somebody puts into losing weight, it would take me 5 months to lose the same amount of weight. Sucks, right? But at least I would know that the fight I am in for would be that much harder. I would know that to see big numbers I would have to wait 5 or 10 months instead of 1 or 2. It would suck, but knowing that this is what I am up against would help.<br />
<br />
2) Some kind of thyroid problem. I'm predisposed to thyroid problems as they run in my family (and while they aren't genetic in the way that they are passed down, if somebody in your family has a thyroid disorder it means that your genetics are such that you are more likely to have a similar disorder). This would be good news in the way that it could help with my weight loss, but it would likely mean a lifetime of medications.<br />
<br />
or 3) A combination of both things.<br />
<br />
I should have heard back from the doctor last week, but still no answers. I am calling (again) tomorrow morning, hoping that somebody somewhere has answers.<br />
<br />
My weight has been fluctuating between 267 and 269 for the past few weeks. Back to the gym tomorrow now that my schedule is figured out and my health is under control. I figure it is better to start working on good habits now, even if I don't know what the doctors know yet.<br />
<br />
Waiting, waiting, waiting...Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-38495983615888099422012-11-27T17:21:00.000-08:002012-11-27T17:21:11.954-08:00IronyFunny enough, no doctor I have ever been to has <i>ever</i> said anything about my weight. And I really wonder why this is. Is it such a taboo subject that a doctor won't even broach it? Do they know that my weight gain is caused by the pills <i>they</i> prescribed? Or is it something else?<br />
<br />
Maybe because I never brought it up, they didn't feel the need to...<br />
<br />
I'm very bitter towards doctors, and I really doubt this attitude will ever change. I can't believe that no doctor ever bothered to connect my ever-increasing weight to the pills. They prescribed pills that could cause weight gain, but they never bothered to monitor it. Never once did they ask if there was anything in my lifestyle that could cause weight gain. And now I'm 271.8 pounds and off the meds and have nowhere to turn.<br />
<br />
I've tried everything I know how to do and I still can't lose the weight. I'm eating less than an average person (maybe 2 meals a day), but I'm still not losing. I'm working out once or twice a week, and not losing an ounce.<br />
<br />
I'm so angry at the doctors who watched me gain weight for six years and never once said anything about it. Who watched me become obese and never once said, why don't we try a different medication. Never once asked if I was eating healthy or working out.<br />
<br />
Did they just assume I was making the wrong food choices? Did they assume I was binging? Did they think I never went to the gym? All of the above?<br />
<br />
I know as the patient, it is my responsibility to bring up issues of concern to my doctors. But as a teenager, battling everything I am challenged with, when your doctor doesn't mention your weight gain you think, <i>Maybe this isn't so bad... Maybe I'm really not gaining as much weight as I think I am.</i> Which isn't true.<br />
<br />
I have gained over 100 pounds since I was 15; pre-Tourette's. I gained 50 pounds in 9 months of anti-depressants, and the rest I have gradually put on since then. I have gained 30 pounds since this time last year; due to medication.<br />
<br />
And in the 7 months since I got off all the prescription meds, I've only gained 10 pounds. All of which happened between April and July.<br />
<br />
For the last 4 months my weight has been stable.<br />
<br />
That is something I have never been able to say.<br />
<br />
I'm so frustrated at myself for not wanting to face this sooner, but I'm more frustrated with the doctors for not being willing to broach this topic with me. For not being willing to admit that maybe a pill they gave me was causing my weight gain as opposed to a lifestyle choice.<br />
<br />
This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I am not a "fat girl". The pills made me this way, but now it is <b>my</b> job to try and change this. <br />
<br />
I am seeing an endocrinologist in January and I am praying (literally) that he will have something to offer me other than the customary, <i>I'm sorry</i>. Because if this doesn't work... I have no other choices.<br />
<br />
I'm eating healthy. I'm working out. Weight loss surgery wouldn't help me because I'm not an over-eater. I'm simply somebody whose metabolism doesn't work. Because once upon a time, doctors thought it was more important to be doped out of my mind than to be overweight. They thought that it was better to expose my body to all of these poisons than to have Tourette's. They wanted to fix a part of me that doesn't need fixing. That part of who I am will never be fixed. But this... my weight... needs to be fixed. <br />
<br />
And I find it excruciatingly ironic that I now have to rely on doctors to help me when the doctors are the ones who gave me the pills that put me in this position in the first place. Lovely.Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-50517181892200717342012-11-05T12:01:00.000-08:002012-11-05T12:01:01.673-08:00Moving ForwardI'm trying to move forward. Move on with my life. Stop hating myself; stop hating everytime I have to look in a mirror or watch videos from our behavioral lab. And it's hard.<br />
<br />
I'm becoming more honest with myself about what I have to live with. I am healthy. I am eating balanced meals and getting a good amount of fruits and veggies. I am seriously decreasing the number of carbs I eat; and the ones I do are whole-grains. And yet, my weight doesn't change. This is the hardest part. If I were to see just a tiny, miniscule, change on the scale, I might not feel so forlorn. So I'm trying not to be; I'm trying to feel comforted by seeing the same number over and over on the scale. That means I'm not gaining weight. That is a <i>good</i> thing. <br />
<br />
I'm finding a balance. I'm not going overboard and spending hours upon hours at the gym every week. I'm working out once or twice a week. And when I do I'm able to keep up and get a good workout without huffing and puffing. This is a change from a few months ago.<br />
<br />
I'm eating healthier meals and bringing lunches to school instead of buying something for lunch. This means I eat at better times too; instead of waiting until I am <i>starving</i> at 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm munching on healthy snacks for lunch at a normal lunch time.<br />
<br />
But I'm also having small amounts of (good) ice cream after dinner when I want it. I'm having the occasional latte from Starbucks. I'm going out with friends and ordering what sounds good to me and eating until I'm full; instead of finding what looks to be the healthiest thing on the menu and not enjoying it.<br />
<br />
This balance will be important for when I am finally able to start losing weight. And at least I know once all my weight is lost, I will be able to maintain it. Because, apparently I am very good at maintaining.<br />
<br />
I weighed in at 272.8 this weekend; so absolutely no change. <br />
<br />
October goals review...<br />
<br />
<i>Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist
and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my
metabolism).</i><br />
Done! I will be seeing an endocrinologist who specializes in metabolism problems in December. And fingers crossed, he is able to figure out why my body refuses to lose weight.<br />
<br />
<i>Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.</i><br />
Yeah... this one didn't happen. Again. I'm putting it on the back burner for a month or so. Once I know I can lose weight and I pick back up at the gym, I will worry about this.<i> </i><br />
<br />
<i>Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.</i><br />
I actually did this consciously, instead of simply forgetting to weigh myself because I was so tired. Yay!<br />
<br />
<i>No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the
nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a
healthy meal at 8:30 at night). </i><br />
Done! This is something I will continually make a goal, but I won't worry so much about it this month as I seem to have broken the fast-food-dinner-every-night trend I had going in September.<br />
<br />
November goals:<br />
<br />
Get back to my vitamin/supplement regimen (green tea supplements, multi-vitamin, vitamin-D, B-complex, glucosamine). I stopped taking them when I got sick in September and I oscilated between taking everything, taking some of them, and taking none of the aforementioned supplements last month. I added each of them to my diet for a reason, now it's time to start taking them again.<br />
<br />
Eat breakfast. Every morning. (Ugh.)Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-17832770395044053682012-10-01T12:10:00.000-07:002012-10-01T12:10:45.839-07:00Sucky SeptemberUgh. 273.8<br />
<br />
<a href="http://adogforkatherine.blogspot.com/2012/09/youre-invited-to-my-pity-party.html" target="_blank">September sucked.</a><br />
<br />
I honestly don't even remember the beginning of September. To tell you the truth, I barely remember what happened last week. I got to Friday and not only could I not recall what had happened all week, I couldn't believe it was already time to go back to the stable (Saturdays) and prep for Sunday school. I really don't know where September went.<br />
<br />
But I do know that I'm happy to see it go.<br />
<br />
I have been in chronic pain all month. All. Month. I really don't think there was a single day in which I didn't have (1) a concussion, (2) severe muscle cramps, (3) a migraine or migraine symptoms (photo-sensitivity or pain places it shouldn't be without the headache), or (4) a damn cold. I have had days where I have coughed so hard I threw up. Days where I thought I was going to the ER if the pain in my arm got any worse (pinched nerve). Days where I couldn't walk because my calves seized every time I took a step. Nights where I didn't sleep because my legs charlie horsed so severely that I woke up every hour. Days where I wanted to pull one of my teeth out of my mouth because it had a pulse and was causing severe pain. And multiple days where I wanted to gouge out my eyes because that would hurt less than the pain I was experiencing.<br />
<br />
Right now my skull feels two sizes too small but ironically, pressure relieves the pain. And this is <u>dangerous</u>. Because this is how my self-injurious tics started and are maintained. Because if gradual pressure on my forehead and temples helps, then a sharp *pop* to my head is better. The pain is so intense inside my head, that bashing my fists into my skull actually hurts less. And it's all I can do to not bash my fists into my head right now.<br />
<br />
So no, September did not go well on the weight loss front.<br />
<br />
Ugh.<br />
<br />
September goals review...<br />
<br />
<i>Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.</i><br />
Yeah... getting a tape measurer would have actually required me to go into a store. So, no. <br />
<br />
<i>Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.</i><br />
So, actually did this one. But not because I was thinking about it, because I was running late almost every morning and I felt like crap. But we'll still count it as a win. And keep it on the goal list for next month. <br />
<br />
<i>No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the
nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a
healthy meal at 8:30 at night).</i><br />
Hmmm... Yeah, my migraine totally threw this one off track. There are some nights that I don't even want to consider dinner. Or mornings where I can't even consider packing a lunch. I think I ate 8 fast food meals this month. This definitely stays on the list for next month.<br />
<br />
<br />
October goals:<br />
<br />
Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).<br />
<br />
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.<br />
<br />
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.<br />
<br />
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the
nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a
healthy meal at 8:30 at night).Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-24711409539088739172012-09-05T09:57:00.004-07:002012-09-05T09:57:58.160-07:00SeptemberI'm a few days late blogging, but I did weigh myself on the first of the month.<br />
<br />
268.6<br />
<br />
Which means that in August I lost a whopping 4 pounds. Which is a start. I guess? I had a pretty decent-sized meltdown the last week of August. I had been killing myself at the gym, and had not lost a single pound. Now, I know you're thinking, but I said I lost 4 pounds. My weight fluxuates drastically from day-to-day and I haven't gotten back on the scale since 9/1 and I have no idea if 268 is where I am, or if I've boomeranged back up. I don't really want to know (I also baked a little bit - and sampled - this weekend, so there is that).<br />
<br />
I am noticing a tighter tummy and muscles in my legs, so I know all is not for naught. I had grand plans the other day to take measurements, so that I can see that change in addition to the scale, but for the life of me I could not find my tape measurer (even though I <i>know</i> there is one in my apartment). So I'm either going to buy one or find mine... And with my track history, I'll be much better off if I just purchase a new one.<br />
<br />
I've been... pretty good about the gym since I last posted. Not great. I had a concussion last week and so I skimped on some workouts and skipped others. The good news is that when I didn't feel up to working out, I didn't feel up to eating either. School started last week and I'm working on finding a balance between school, homework, working out, and work (which starts this weekend). I've also volunteered at a local therapeutic riding center one day a week, and that starts this weekend. <br />
<br />
September goals:<br />
<br />
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.<br />
<br />
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.<br />
<br />
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).<br />
<br />
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ <br />
<br />
8/22: 1 hour step, 1 hour zumba<br />
8/23: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing <br />
8/27: 1 hour step <br />
8/28: 1 hour elliptical<br />
8/29: 1 hour step <br />
8/31: 30 mins elliptical <br />
9/1: 1 hour body conditioningKatherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-22858562392451839102012-08-21T21:43:00.000-07:002012-08-21T21:45:50.207-07:00Proud.A few weeks ago I was posting why I was embarrassed. So, today, I thought I would write the things I'm proud about.<br />
<br />
I am proud that I can now do a 30-second plank on my knees without getting all shaky and wobbly, collapsing to the ground, and wanting to throw up. Next step, plank on my toes.<br />
<br />
I am really freaking proud that I am waking up at 7:30 on Saturdays to get to the gym for an 8:30 body conditioning class and 9:30 Zumba. And the funny thing is I feel pretty awake once I start working out; though, I'm ready for a nap around 2:00 in the afternoon now.<br />
<br />
I am proud that I am lifting 5-pound and 6-pound weights. A few weeks ago I started with the 3-pound weights; I am trying to increase one pound a week for a little while right now.<br />
<br />
I am proud that I manage to go the right way (almost) all the time in Zumba and kickboxing; and before you laugh, this is a <b>big</b> accomplishment for me.<br />
<br />
On the same thread, I am proud that I've only hauled off and punched myself once in kickboxing. And I have not kicked, hit, or run into anybody in my classes, even when I am going the right way and they are not. (Seriously, people?! Go the right way or stay away!)<br />
<br />
I am proud of the fact that I can use the step for the entirety of the step class; when I started I ended up on the floor doing the same motions as the rest of the class for about 30 minutes and for a good long while, I just marched. Now, I can keep up with the class on the step, and when I miss a move it's because I have no clue what they're doing, not because I'm too huffy and puffy. (And I've only <i>really</i> fallen off the step once, so I'm proud of that!) Yes, my step is flat on the ground without risers, but I'm planning to add those soon (once I stop falling and tripping on the step).<br />
<br />
I am <strike>shocked</strike> proud that I am concerned about my plan for working out in a few weeks when my gym is closed for renovations (I'm not sure which classes will be cancelled, and which won't be).<br />
<br />
I am proud of the way I can feel my body changing, even if all I feel are sore muscles. I am noticing muscles developing, and even if I can't see them, I know once I lose the padding, the muscles will be there.<br />
<br />
I am proud that I can keep up for not one, not two, but three hours of exercise. Even if my brain doesn't think I can, my body is strong enough to do it. <br />
<br />
And I am proud that I am doing this for me. I want my body to get as healthy as I can get it; I'm losing the weight for me. Not because of pressure from anybody else. And this is the first time that this is really about me, and I am very proud of that.<br />
<br />
~ ~ ~ ~ ~<br />
<br />
8/20: 1 hour Zumba<br />
8/21: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing, 1 hour Zumba<br />
Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-17680578299149658942012-08-19T16:52:00.000-07:002012-08-19T16:52:44.334-07:00Food ThoughtsI'm dealing with a lot of service dog drama right now which I'll talk about on my <a href="http://adogforkatherine.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">main blog</a> later this week once I figure everything out, but suffice it to say I'm not going to be receiving my dog in September. It will likely be November or December of this year. And I'm really working hard not to eat my feelings.<br />
<br />
I am an emotional-eater. There is a difference between emotional eating, and binge eating. I've done both. I have always been an emotional eater; my entire life eating has been something relating to comfort and happy occasions. I was a binge-eater when I was clinically depressed though. When I binge-ate, it didn't matter what I was eating. It only mattered that I ate. I would cruise through the cabinets and freezer and refrigerator and eat anything and everything. It didn't matter if it was a food I liked or hated; low-calorie/low-fat or full-everything, I ate it. This stopped when I got the depression under control.<br />
<br />
Now, I am just an emotional-eater. I eat to feel happy. To feel comforted. I don't know if this mindset will ever change, so I'm trying to set myself up for success. Keeping lots of fruit in the apartment to snack on. Drinking a lot of water; sometimes up to 3 liters a day (when you drink this much water, you stay so full that the thought of eating doesn't even cross your mind).<br />
<br />
I am also making smart(er) choices when I choose to eat for emotional reasons. Sometimes, fruit and water don't cut it. I don't buy"healthy" ice cream or other things like that; I buy the regular stuff. When I need my ice cream fix (which is one of my "red-light" foods), I don't want the low-cal stuff. Honestly, I'll end up eating more because I'm still looking to get that "fix" than if I start with the real ice cream to begin with. So, instead of grabbing the tub of ice cream and a spoon and sitting on the couch, I'm making myself put ice cream into a mug so that there is a finite amount I can eat. I won't go back and refill the coffee mug with ice cream, but I can sit and polish off an entire pint (or more) of ice cream without noticing.<br />
<br />
So Friday night, after I had gotten <i>"The News</i>", I sat down with my mug of ice cream and then Saturday morning I got up early and worked out. I'm refusing to let one bad day of eating or one slip-up force me into the "I-screwed-up" mentality that can derail the progress I'm making. I'm going to work on getting my measurements soon so I can track my progress working out; but I'm already noticing muscles where they weren't before. Which is really encouraging considering it's been two weeks of really hitting the gym hard; I was working out before that, but not at the same level.<br />
<br />
Here's my workout tip: do classes!!! I have no spacial awareness, no coordination, and I started with no stamina. If I can make it through a Zumba or body conditioning class, anybody can. And trust me, you won't be the worst person there; and even if you are, so what? Nobody cares what anybody else looks like, they're all too worried about how they look. And I don't go to the gym to look cool, I go to get healthy. So instead of being upset that everybody in the class is lifting weights bigger than me, I'm excited because (depending on the exercise) I have already increased the amount I'm using 2-3 pounds. And I'm planning on increasing my weight again this week. Instead of being miffed that everybody in the step class has two-risers under their step, and my step is flat on the floor, I'm proud of the fact that I can stay on the step the entire class instead of a few months ago when I spent half the class huffing and puffing through the motions on the floor, ignoring the step all together. (And step class is where my muscles are coming from; super hard quads and glutes already! Totally recommend this class if you can find one.)<br />
<br />
Here's the real reason behind going to a class though; you are obligated to stay. If I don't feel well, or I get really tired working out on a treadmill or some other piece of equipment on the floor, I won't push myself as hard or I'll bail half-way through my workout. In a class, if I put a foot in the door, I'm stuck in that class. And I'm going to push myself as hard as I can to keep up. And (I promise) that if you don't stare at the clock, time goes by really fast.<br />
<br />
Case in point: Thursday I was running late to a 5:30 body conditioning class (the first one of the evening) and I showed up at 5:31 after they had already started. This wouldn't matter to me, except that the class was <u>full</u>. I couldn't see any room peeking in; but, I had been caught peeking in the room. So I sucked it up, wormed my way into the back row, and I did the class. If I had been trying to use an elliptical and they were all full, it would have just been "oh well". But, because people in the class saw me (and recognized me as I'm starting to recognize the people who do the same classes I do), I had to go. And once I drag my butt to the next class, I have to stay for that too. It's being accountable to my workout in a different way, and I think I may have become a Y-junkie for life.<br />
<br />
That being said, school starts in a week and I know some of my workouts are going to have to be at the gym on campus. So I'm going to have to do it on my own; but as long as I have the same time blocked out and treat it like a real workout, I think I'll be okay 2 days a week. I'm also going to look into maybe scheduling some personal training sessions at the Y when school starts if I'm struggling to keep up with my workouts; that way they can be very time-efficient and I will be very accountable to a trainer to show up on time and I won't be able to slack off.<br />
<br />
~ ~ ~ ~ ~<br />
<br />
8/9: 1 hour Cardio Intervals/Core, 1 hour Yoga (last time in yoga; my body fought me the entire time, I was in pain, and there were tears shed)<br />
8/10: 1 hour Zumba<br />
8/11: 1 hour Zumba<br />
8/13: 1 hour Zumba (ha! notice a trend?)<br />
8/14: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing, 1 hour Zumba<br />
8/15: 1 hour step, 1 hour Zumba<br />
8/16: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing, 1 hour Zumba<br />
8/18: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour ZumbaKatherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-45771485308106205302012-08-08T21:49:00.000-07:002012-08-08T21:49:29.902-07:00Embarassed.I have gained weight. 13 pounds to be exact. And I am horribly embarrassed to write that. I wanted to not write it. To keep it secret. But this blog is my way of being accountable (even though nobody is actually reading it yet) and so here I am. Being accountable? Accounted? Regardless; my weight on August 1 was 272 and some change (I don't remember).<br />
<br />
And that was scary. For the first time I was scared that I could let my weight creep up to 300. I gain weight *really* fast; I hear other people talking about gaining two or three pounds; I gain ten or fifteen. Like that. Without even trying. Or noticing. Or whatever it is that you do when you don't notice a lot of weight gain. That, in less than a month I gained 13 pounds was scary.<br />
<br />
And I'm not stupid; I know how it happened. The short version is I got Touretter-sick; meaning not contagious/virus sick but migraine/pinched nerve/anxiety sick. I spent a week really under the weather; and then had to play catch-up to finish out the last two weeks of school. I was at school or work all day long, eating multiple meals on-the-go, and sitting in front of a computer all day. I didn't have the time to go to the gym or cook healthy meals. I didn't feel good and I just wanted to get my schoolwork done up to my standards. So I ate a lot of fast-food (and I justify it because some fast food is "better" than others. Yeah, right.) and I sat around all day. Then, school ended and I got Touretter-sick again; same thing. Plus some serious food-intolerance issues; no clue why, but I couldn't keep anything down. The only thing that sounded good was carbs; bread, mashed potatoes, and pasta. And not the healthy stuff, the super-refined, no-nutritional-value, stuff. And that was all I ate for a week or so. While I was sitting on my couch, watching Lifetime movies, and not working out. And then, I started feeling better and I got on the scale. <i>Yikes!</i><br />
<br />
So, like any mentally-healthy person would do (ha!), I got seriously depressed about my weight. I was angry about the medications and the weight gain and the doctors. I was frustrated with my metabolism and everything else wrong in my body that is stopping me from loosing weight. Including my own crappy attitude. And to have more to feel sorry about, I was grumpy about my Tourette's and how it plays into my weight. (Read the funk-i-tude in it's entirety <a href="http://adogforkatherine.blogspot.com/2012/08/baggage.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)<br />
<br />
It's a week or so after that post now and I'm in a better head-space. I'm not perfect by any means. But I'm getting there. I'm closer to being mentally-healthy than I was two weeks ago, and I'm working out again. Yesterday I weighed 268 pounds; my first goal is to lose that 13 pounds I gained, so I can be back down to 259. And then I'll slowly start chipping away to my first *big* goal: 199 pounds.<br />
<br />
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ <br />
<br />
Workouts this week so far include:<br />
<br />
8/7: 50 mins Body Conditioning (legs, arms, abs, ouch!), 50 mins Kickboxing, 50 mins Pilates (my first and last time in a pilates class; it wasn't taught by an instructor who knew what they were doing - she referred to magazine photocopies the entire class - and not only could I not do any of it, I giggled the whole way through and then had a BIG tic attack afterwards. So, no more pilates for me.) :D<br />
8/8: 50 mins Step, 50 mins Zumba<br />
<br />
The plan for tomorrow: 1 hour Cardio Intervals/Core (sounds... daunting), and 1 hour yogaKatherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-9530318488691270592012-08-01T16:37:00.000-07:002012-08-02T16:52:35.810-07:00I want......to be able to buy clothes at the mall in a "regular" person store. Instead of online because stores don't sell plus-size clothing in the actual store (Old Navy I'm looking at you) or in plus-size stores.<br />
<br />
I want to be able to be comfortable when teaching; which in the lower elementary special education world means being comfortable kneeling, squatting, chasing, and everything in between.<br />
<br />
I want to be able to walk Owen without feeling disgusting or (worse) getting tired too early.<br />
<br />
I want to sit in an airplane seat without the arm-rests digging into my hips and feeling as though I'm encroaching on the person next to me (more than my tics already do).<br />
<br />
I want to be able to look at pictures of myself without hating what I see.<br />
<br />
I want to be able to ride a horse again; any horse I want without fear that I'm going to hurt them because I weigh too much. I want to dance through dressage moves and fly over jumps and not be self-conscious about how I look.<br />
<br />
I want to be able to buy cute clothes. And wear dresses. I have no fashion sense, but all the same, I want to look cute instead of wearing things that disguise my weight and blend into the background.<br />
<br />
I want to be able to walk up more than one flight of stairs without feeling out of breath.<br />
<br />
I want to be healthy. My body is failing on so many levels; it is a matter of time before I get something like arthritis or permanently damage a joint that needs surgery to fix. I don't want to be sitting in a doctor's office (ugh) having them telling me I'm pre-diabetic or that my cholesterol is too high or any one of the things that I could face. <br />
<br />
I want to wear bright colors and not be self conscious.<br />
<br />
I want to be able to sit down in jeans and not be uncomfortable because the waist band digs into my stomach.<br />
<br />
I want to feel confident in my body.Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-39603629245993424062012-06-26T14:38:00.000-07:002012-06-26T14:38:41.109-07:00My "not-a-vision" BoardBecause I have historically laughed at people who use vision boards (I'm a terrible person, I know). But... it was suggested by my psychologist that I give it a try because there is basically no other motivation intrinsic or extrinsic that makes me want to exercise.<br />
<br />
And when you look at it from a behaviorist standpoint - which I am wont to do, because I am after all, a behaviorist - it makes sense. I have had 6 years of shaping because of those damn pills. Six years where nothing I did made a difference, so what was supposed to be intrinsically motivation (I work out, I lose weight) suddenly wasn't. And there wasn't an extrinsic motivator strong enough to get me to work out consistently.<br />
<br />
But, I think I have finally found an extrinsic motivator strong enough to convince me to work out until the intrinsic motivation kicks in.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt8UZU3qI9m3Nmffy-A62D_dU-eoipUr5WhQeJgYZpCNgVAwJL9yQvTTD7STOEw8lc0oQPHa8o87qclfBpjapRLjc8glIEnRx67nKclqJQMs11MPK2-6Idcr4vEcDR-OQ3KNBSjAAPpQ4/s1600/photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt8UZU3qI9m3Nmffy-A62D_dU-eoipUr5WhQeJgYZpCNgVAwJL9yQvTTD7STOEw8lc0oQPHa8o87qclfBpjapRLjc8glIEnRx67nKclqJQMs11MPK2-6Idcr4vEcDR-OQ3KNBSjAAPpQ4/s400/photo.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can you figure out what the motivator is?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
It dawned on me when I graduated in May, that in a year (plus a little bit) I will be an employed individual, hopefully as a teacher and living somewhere with a relatively low cost of living where I won't be totally struggling to make ends meet. And even if I am, so what? I have been a horse rider nearly all of my life, only stopping during college because of study requirements and lack of money to spend on lessons. I tried to keep it up, but never did. And, I am my heaviest now after 4 years of no riding. Coincidence? I'll let you decide.<br />
<br />
I love off-the-track-Thoroughbreds and would love nothing more than to be able to buy one once I start working. They are my absolute favorite to work with and I do dressage and jumping. But I can't do any of that unless I'm in shape (yes, my riding muscles are gone and there's only one way to get those back, but I'm talking about the rest of me). So, I figured that if I start working out and getting in shape now, in one year I will be where I want to be. And, coincidentally, in one year I will be an employed adult capable of purchasing a horse. Funny how things like that work out...<br />
<br />
~ ~ ~ ~ ~<br />
<br />
My workouts for the last week:<br />
<br />
6/20: 50 mins step class, 50 mins zumba class, 50 mins cycle class<br />
6/22: 30 mins elliptical at home (I couldn't make it to the early classes and I didn't want to work out at night)<br />
6/23: 50 mins body conditioning (Ow!), 30 mins blitz cycle<br />
6/25: 50 mins step, 50 mins zumba, 50 mins cycle<br />
<br />
And I'm planning on a <i>long</i> day at the gym tomorrow both before and after working in the clinic at school!Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6984560277303522320.post-5966680694147152602012-06-21T23:11:00.000-07:002012-06-21T23:11:47.065-07:00Today's the day...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
</div>
...my life begins.<br />
<br />
Okay, so it was yesterday. But I'm a <u>huge</u> Grey's Anatomy fan and I was watching a <strike>super super sad</strike> really good episode the other day in which a car full of soon-to-be college graduates crashes and *spoiler alert* the only one who ends up surviving is the valedictorian and that's how she starts her speech (which she gives to the doctors because she's stuck in the hospital and all her friends are dead).<br />
<br />
Today's the day my life begins.<br />
<br />
I joined my YMCA earlier this week, which considering it's all of 1 minute's drive from my apartment and is brand new and super nice looking, probably should have happened a long time ago. But regardless, I am officially a member of the YMCA. I have a card with my picture on it and everything.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I actually went <i>into</i> the gym for the first time, as opposed to just staying in the entrance by the customer service desk. And I may have gone a little overboard, but I'm still able to walk today so I guess it could have been worse. I did a step class, a zumba class and a cycle class. Three hours of back-to-back exercise when the most I've done in a year has been going up the stairs to my apartment and walking around campus. It was brutal.<br />
<br />
I made a calculated error in the step class, which was totally my fault. If you've never done a step class, they're <strike>mildly torturous</strike> highly engaging and a good work out. The last time I did a step class I was a freshman or sophomore and in considerably better shape. But, nevertheless because it was the first class of the night and I wasn't <strike>in mortal agony</strike> tired yet, I thought it was a good idea to put one riser under my step. Really good people do two or (yikes!) more, but I thought one was playing it safe. Was I ever wrong! I'm going back to the class because it <b>is</b> an insanely good work out, but I'm dropping down to just the step on the floor. Because, not only are you up and down the step a gazillion times in an hour, but they have you crossing your feet over it, doing flying leaps over it and acrobatics. At least that's how it looked to me, who could barely get the basic step and the turning down. Forget "horse shoeing" and "L-stomps".<br />
<br />
And I'd like to say I think I'll get better at the steps used in the class, but I really doubt I will. All I'm going to hope for is to not look like a complete and utter fool. Which, coming from the girl who is literally left and right dyslexic - I know which hand is which but the second I'm doing a task, forget it - that's about as good as it's going to get.<br />
<br />
Knowing that about my coordination, or more appropriately lack-thereof, I'm sure you can draw your own conclusions as to how zumba went.<br />
<br />
I haven't weighed in this week, and I'm going to give
working out a week or so to sink in before I do. I think I'm going to
post photographs of my progress starting next month and then post a
photo on the first of every month thereafter. I was reading (on
pinterest) the other night something one of my friends had pinned that
said...<br />
<br />
It takes 4 weeks for <i>you</i> to see your body changing. It takes 8 weeks for friends and family. And it takes 12 weeks for the rest of the world.<br />
<br />
I
figure that by putting up photographs it will help me to see a visual
of how my body is changing (hopefully) if I struggle seeing it
day-to-day. Since this is a brand new idea I don't have a photo for
this month (seeing as it's almost July and how much change are you going
to notice in one week), so here's a photo from my graduation weekend of
me with my dad. This was... the middle of May, but close
enough.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyaoq8Z9-p9ySjJS9ro25MU2ukV-HbBXvW3g9ZIjqV3qmO2cn1W79LlOP78q8BWlNmNapli8Y4EDFS6IrhMr92MtwjVbCDRFuKOxBEvhgR0ZmiVZFyEx4cKlOUmwlep3ABm58xSWy3-Iw/s1600/179964_3911579189350_1256823656_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyaoq8Z9-p9ySjJS9ro25MU2ukV-HbBXvW3g9ZIjqV3qmO2cn1W79LlOP78q8BWlNmNapli8Y4EDFS6IrhMr92MtwjVbCDRFuKOxBEvhgR0ZmiVZFyEx4cKlOUmwlep3ABm58xSWy3-Iw/s400/179964_3911579189350_1256823656_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />Katherinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17907540079822674904noreply@blogger.com0