June measurements:
Bust: 43.5" (-1.0)
Chest: 37" (-2.0)
Waist: 40.5" (-3.75)
Hip: 50.5" (+0.5)
Thigh: 29" (+0.5)
Calve: 21.25" (-0.75)
Upper Arm: 16" (-0.5)
Forearm: 12" (-0.5)
Neck: 16" (0)
Total lost: 7.5"
My goals for this month,
Get my bloodwork done; I was supposed to do it about a month ago, but I didn't because I knew it wouldn't be good. Now that I've lost some weight and am eating healthy, I need to get it done and evaluate where my blood sugar is.
Write my thesis (not health related, but it has to be done this month).
Get my weight under 245 pounds - this goal is a little lofty, but if I lose an average of 2 pounds a week, I can do it.
What are your goals this month?
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
May measurements
Normally, the goal would be to do this on the first Sunday of the month, but I just found the tape measure recently (as in this weekend when I was cleaning up the apartment - future me, it's in the drawer in the bathroom) as I consistently lose them and I'm pretty sure I'll find at least 3 when I start packing to move. But, I digress. I recently found the tape measure and I got my measurements done today. In the future I will do this all together on the first Sunday of the month.
At the start of the month, I weighed 258.6 (this week, 257.0).
In case anybody has forgotten, here is my May pictures (I solemnly swear to do these every month - btw, I'm watching the Harry Potter marathon, are you?).
And here are my measurements for the month.
Bust: 44.5"
Chest: 39"
Waist: 44.25"
Hip: 50"
Thigh: 28.5"
Calve: 22"
Upper Arm: 16.5"
Forearm: 12.5"
Neck: 16"
(and yes, somehow those seem worse to do now than writing my weight... can't wait to see those numbers go down too!)
At the start of the month, I weighed 258.6 (this week, 257.0).
In case anybody has forgotten, here is my May pictures (I solemnly swear to do these every month - btw, I'm watching the Harry Potter marathon, are you?).
 |
| May 2013 |
Bust: 44.5"
Chest: 39"
Waist: 44.25"
Hip: 50"
Thigh: 28.5"
Calve: 22"
Upper Arm: 16.5"
Forearm: 12.5"
Neck: 16"
(and yes, somehow those seem worse to do now than writing my weight... can't wait to see those numbers go down too!)
Monday, May 6, 2013
Week 2 observations
So, I have been living my new life for about two weeks now, and I have been noticing and learning new things along the way.
First - and maybe most important - is that I don't have any guilt about eating anymore. Before, even when I did have something that was healthy, I felt guilty every time I ate. I was overeating and then feeling stuffed and guilty when I finally finished. Because I felt so guilty, I would starve myself between meals, waiting to eat until I was so hungry I didn't care what I ate or how much I ate. Because I was so hungry, I would overeat, and the cycle would start again.
Now, I plan out all my meals in the morning and I know the snacks I plan to eat throughout the day. Honestly, most days - I plan too many snacks, but I'd rather have too many options than not enough. I'm starting my day with breakfast, everyday. Depending on when I have breakfast, I'll have a small snack before lunch and then another snack before dinner. And then, I even have room in my calories to have a small "dessert" (fruit). Because I know what I'm going to eat when I start my day, I don't feel any guilt about sticking to my plan and eating throughout the day.
I didn't even feel guilty when I went out for Cinco de Mayo with my friend last night; I had way too much sodium for breakfast and lunch, but compensated by drinking lots of water. I drank a lot of water with dinner and then another 500ml when I got home before bed. Of course, my weight was elevated this morning, but instead of letting it derail me, I planned a super low sodium day with plenty of water and fruit and a long walk. And I feel great about my food choices for the day (and I'm looking forward to getting my berries and whip cream for dessert).
I'm learning about appropriate portion sizes (like, did you know that an appropriate portion of lean protein is only 3 ounces? I got 6 appropriately sized portions of chicken out of two chicken breasts that I bought this weekend). I'm still eating boil-in-a-bag brown rice, but I'm measuring it out and only eating one portion and saving the rest for later. Fruit and veggies though, I pretty much let myself eat however much I want.
I realized just how much fat I was eating; even in the form of seemingly healthy fats (like olive oil). I made a fantastic salad dressing today out of honey, dijon mustard, and balsamic vinegar - absolutely no oil required! And I saved half to marinate my asparagus for dinner, which was fantastic, by the way. This is what I like about tracking everything I plan to eat in sparkpeople before I start my day (I update if I change anything throughout the day, but it gives me a starting point). That way, I can see right away if I'm going to go over my daily allowances of any macro nutrients, and make changes accordingly. And tracking in the morning as I eat breakfast is way easier than tracking throughout the day as I eat.
I feel so much better. I'm sleeping awesome at night and I've had very little acid reflux (it was so bad a year ago, that combined with stress I was throwing up 4 or more times a week). I'm looking forward to getting rid of acid reflux once and for all, without medications. Because I'm eating more often, and fueling my body with healthy things, I don't get hunger headaches anymore and my brain seems to be functioning a little better (more clear headed). I took my blood pressure last night and it was [almost] normal for the first time in a long time. I'm looking forward to lowering my blood sugar and hearing a doctor say (hopefully sooner rather than later) that I don't have insulin resistance anymore.
Working out isn't just a high for me, eating healthy is too. Every time I eat something that I know is good for me, I feel empowered and excited to keep going with eating healthy. I love getting to go to bed at night and rest my muscles, but I also love waking up still sore from my workout the day before. Those things combined, make doing the "right" thing everyday inherently reinforcing, so I keep doing it. I haven't cheat since I made the decision to eat healthy (I don't count my Sunday splurge as a cheat because it was planned and I made relatively healthy choices, all things considered). I haven't binged and I haven't eaten something I've said I wasn't going to eat. That's two trips to the grocery store with no bags of potato chips bought (incidentally, I love Trader Joe's because they don't carry the crap I'm addicted to - and yes, it is an addiction).
I've always said I like eating healthy foods - but I'm finding out it's really true. I love fruits and veggies and I'm excited to keep trying new things and new ways to eat them. I love my food co-op I tried last weekend, and I signed up for a new round this week - once I've tried a few baskets I'll blog more about them and show you some photos of the produce that I've gotten.
I feel energized to keep going; obviously what I'm doing is working (I lost almost 3 pounds last week), and even though I know this is going to be a long journey, I've broken down what I want into manageable goals. This feels permanent and sustainable because I'm going about it in a completely healthy way and I'm 100% committed to getting healthy, and I'm excited to keep going and reach my goal weight!
First - and maybe most important - is that I don't have any guilt about eating anymore. Before, even when I did have something that was healthy, I felt guilty every time I ate. I was overeating and then feeling stuffed and guilty when I finally finished. Because I felt so guilty, I would starve myself between meals, waiting to eat until I was so hungry I didn't care what I ate or how much I ate. Because I was so hungry, I would overeat, and the cycle would start again.
Now, I plan out all my meals in the morning and I know the snacks I plan to eat throughout the day. Honestly, most days - I plan too many snacks, but I'd rather have too many options than not enough. I'm starting my day with breakfast, everyday. Depending on when I have breakfast, I'll have a small snack before lunch and then another snack before dinner. And then, I even have room in my calories to have a small "dessert" (fruit). Because I know what I'm going to eat when I start my day, I don't feel any guilt about sticking to my plan and eating throughout the day.
I didn't even feel guilty when I went out for Cinco de Mayo with my friend last night; I had way too much sodium for breakfast and lunch, but compensated by drinking lots of water. I drank a lot of water with dinner and then another 500ml when I got home before bed. Of course, my weight was elevated this morning, but instead of letting it derail me, I planned a super low sodium day with plenty of water and fruit and a long walk. And I feel great about my food choices for the day (and I'm looking forward to getting my berries and whip cream for dessert).
I'm learning about appropriate portion sizes (like, did you know that an appropriate portion of lean protein is only 3 ounces? I got 6 appropriately sized portions of chicken out of two chicken breasts that I bought this weekend). I'm still eating boil-in-a-bag brown rice, but I'm measuring it out and only eating one portion and saving the rest for later. Fruit and veggies though, I pretty much let myself eat however much I want.
I realized just how much fat I was eating; even in the form of seemingly healthy fats (like olive oil). I made a fantastic salad dressing today out of honey, dijon mustard, and balsamic vinegar - absolutely no oil required! And I saved half to marinate my asparagus for dinner, which was fantastic, by the way. This is what I like about tracking everything I plan to eat in sparkpeople before I start my day (I update if I change anything throughout the day, but it gives me a starting point). That way, I can see right away if I'm going to go over my daily allowances of any macro nutrients, and make changes accordingly. And tracking in the morning as I eat breakfast is way easier than tracking throughout the day as I eat.
I feel so much better. I'm sleeping awesome at night and I've had very little acid reflux (it was so bad a year ago, that combined with stress I was throwing up 4 or more times a week). I'm looking forward to getting rid of acid reflux once and for all, without medications. Because I'm eating more often, and fueling my body with healthy things, I don't get hunger headaches anymore and my brain seems to be functioning a little better (more clear headed). I took my blood pressure last night and it was [almost] normal for the first time in a long time. I'm looking forward to lowering my blood sugar and hearing a doctor say (hopefully sooner rather than later) that I don't have insulin resistance anymore.
Working out isn't just a high for me, eating healthy is too. Every time I eat something that I know is good for me, I feel empowered and excited to keep going with eating healthy. I love getting to go to bed at night and rest my muscles, but I also love waking up still sore from my workout the day before. Those things combined, make doing the "right" thing everyday inherently reinforcing, so I keep doing it. I haven't cheat since I made the decision to eat healthy (I don't count my Sunday splurge as a cheat because it was planned and I made relatively healthy choices, all things considered). I haven't binged and I haven't eaten something I've said I wasn't going to eat. That's two trips to the grocery store with no bags of potato chips bought (incidentally, I love Trader Joe's because they don't carry the crap I'm addicted to - and yes, it is an addiction).
I've always said I like eating healthy foods - but I'm finding out it's really true. I love fruits and veggies and I'm excited to keep trying new things and new ways to eat them. I love my food co-op I tried last weekend, and I signed up for a new round this week - once I've tried a few baskets I'll blog more about them and show you some photos of the produce that I've gotten.
I feel energized to keep going; obviously what I'm doing is working (I lost almost 3 pounds last week), and even though I know this is going to be a long journey, I've broken down what I want into manageable goals. This feels permanent and sustainable because I'm going about it in a completely healthy way and I'm 100% committed to getting healthy, and I'm excited to keep going and reach my goal weight!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Goal setting
Obviously, goal setting is super important to what I am trying to do. So I thought I would sit down and explain where I came up with my numbers and also think about [for myself] what my goals along the way are.
My current long-term goal is 155 pounds. I didn't just pull this number out of thin air; according to a lot of BMI calculators, this would put me right in the "healthy" category as opposed to "overweight." (Some calculators still put 155 at a BMI of 25, overweight).
However, I really do think that once I get down to 155, I'll want to keep going. Not an unhealthy amount, but it would be nice to be square in a healthy BMI range without having to worry that one day off plan would send me into overweight territory. I think I want to aim for 135 being my eventual goal weight; but for right now I want to focus on being healthy. Once I get to 155, I'll reevaluate and see whether I'm happy there, or should keep working on losing weight.
One of my first big goals is obviously getting out of the 200's. I cannot wait for that day when the scale says 199. This will also mean that I will be more than half-way done with my weight loss goals. But, 199 is a long way away (61 pounds as of this morning... well, that doesn't sound too terrible), and I want to celebrate smaller goals on the way down to keep me motivated.
The first short-term goal I have is to lose 25 pounds. This would put me at 249; closer to 200 than 300 pounds (let me tell you, when I was gaining weight, that realization that I was closer to 300 than 200 was not a happy day).
After that I want to lose 54 pounds; a goal weight of 220. For some reason I have 220 stuck in my head as a time where I wasn't thoroughly disgusted with my body. (And 220 is closer to 200 than it is to 250, so that's always a good thing).
My weekly goal is to lose between 1 and 2 pounds. That may not sound like a lot, but it's a manageable goal that I think I can meet easily each week. If I lose more than that (and I hope I will once my metabolism gets going), then great! But as long as the scale is lower (even if it is by just 1 pound), I will be happy. Also, I know that I have a lot going for me in that I am 22. I really really hope that once I lose the weight, I don't have to worry about excess skin (but that is not an excuse for staying heavy!). Being young is a huge help for this, and also losing weight slowly. People who are a candidate for the surgery lose 50%+ of their body weight, if I weighed 135, I would have lost 50.7%. Hopefully, by losing weight in a slow, healthy way, I can avoid having to have surgery (because I've seen pictures and heard about it, and it does not sound like something I want to do!).
There are 18 weeks between now and the start of the school year (when I will hopefully have a teaching job). If I lose an average of 2 pounds a week between now and then, I would weigh 225 pounds. A huge difference!
There are 35 weeks between now and my 23rd birthday (and the start of the new year); if I kept up with my weight loss, I would weigh 191 pounds on my birthday! That is exciting and super motivating.
And in one year? I could be at 157; almost to my goal weight.
Breaking it down slowly like this helps a lot. It is manageable. It is possible. And it will happen.
I think people who say that this isn't about getting thin are lying; of course it is about getting thin. I am not healthy at the weight I am; when I lose weight my cholesterol and blood pressure will be lower and I will reverse the insulin resistance. But do I imagine what my new life will be like being thin? Hell yeah. I can imagine what it will be like to go shopping and buy clothes in normal stores; I can't wait to buy clothes! I imagine sitting in the airplane seats not thinking they are too small and not worrying about encroaching on the stranger sitting next to me. I can imagine what it will be like to be thin; to be a healthy weight and to not worry that my weight will hold me back. Hell yeah, this is about losing weight and being thin. But as much as I want to be thin, it's also about not worrying about lifetime of Type 2 diabetes or a lifetime of blood pressure or cholesterol medications.
For me this is about losing the weight, being thin, and being healthy... and doing it all in a healthy way.
Only 12 more pounds to go until I can officially say I am closer to 200 than to 300 pounds. Let's go!
My current long-term goal is 155 pounds. I didn't just pull this number out of thin air; according to a lot of BMI calculators, this would put me right in the "healthy" category as opposed to "overweight." (Some calculators still put 155 at a BMI of 25, overweight).
However, I really do think that once I get down to 155, I'll want to keep going. Not an unhealthy amount, but it would be nice to be square in a healthy BMI range without having to worry that one day off plan would send me into overweight territory. I think I want to aim for 135 being my eventual goal weight; but for right now I want to focus on being healthy. Once I get to 155, I'll reevaluate and see whether I'm happy there, or should keep working on losing weight.
One of my first big goals is obviously getting out of the 200's. I cannot wait for that day when the scale says 199. This will also mean that I will be more than half-way done with my weight loss goals. But, 199 is a long way away (61 pounds as of this morning... well, that doesn't sound too terrible), and I want to celebrate smaller goals on the way down to keep me motivated.
The first short-term goal I have is to lose 25 pounds. This would put me at 249; closer to 200 than 300 pounds (let me tell you, when I was gaining weight, that realization that I was closer to 300 than 200 was not a happy day).
After that I want to lose 54 pounds; a goal weight of 220. For some reason I have 220 stuck in my head as a time where I wasn't thoroughly disgusted with my body. (And 220 is closer to 200 than it is to 250, so that's always a good thing).
My weekly goal is to lose between 1 and 2 pounds. That may not sound like a lot, but it's a manageable goal that I think I can meet easily each week. If I lose more than that (and I hope I will once my metabolism gets going), then great! But as long as the scale is lower (even if it is by just 1 pound), I will be happy. Also, I know that I have a lot going for me in that I am 22. I really really hope that once I lose the weight, I don't have to worry about excess skin (but that is not an excuse for staying heavy!). Being young is a huge help for this, and also losing weight slowly. People who are a candidate for the surgery lose 50%+ of their body weight, if I weighed 135, I would have lost 50.7%. Hopefully, by losing weight in a slow, healthy way, I can avoid having to have surgery (because I've seen pictures and heard about it, and it does not sound like something I want to do!).
There are 18 weeks between now and the start of the school year (when I will hopefully have a teaching job). If I lose an average of 2 pounds a week between now and then, I would weigh 225 pounds. A huge difference!
There are 35 weeks between now and my 23rd birthday (and the start of the new year); if I kept up with my weight loss, I would weigh 191 pounds on my birthday! That is exciting and super motivating.
And in one year? I could be at 157; almost to my goal weight.
Breaking it down slowly like this helps a lot. It is manageable. It is possible. And it will happen.
I think people who say that this isn't about getting thin are lying; of course it is about getting thin. I am not healthy at the weight I am; when I lose weight my cholesterol and blood pressure will be lower and I will reverse the insulin resistance. But do I imagine what my new life will be like being thin? Hell yeah. I can imagine what it will be like to go shopping and buy clothes in normal stores; I can't wait to buy clothes! I imagine sitting in the airplane seats not thinking they are too small and not worrying about encroaching on the stranger sitting next to me. I can imagine what it will be like to be thin; to be a healthy weight and to not worry that my weight will hold me back. Hell yeah, this is about losing weight and being thin. But as much as I want to be thin, it's also about not worrying about lifetime of Type 2 diabetes or a lifetime of blood pressure or cholesterol medications.
For me this is about losing the weight, being thin, and being healthy... and doing it all in a healthy way.
Only 12 more pounds to go until I can officially say I am closer to 200 than to 300 pounds. Let's go!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
So this is what they meant..
...when they said you lose a lot of water weight first.
Because I have cried a lot in the last week. This must be what they're talking about right? Or am I the only one christening workouts and healthy dinners with tears?
Because I have cried a lot in the last week. This must be what they're talking about right? Or am I the only one christening workouts and healthy dinners with tears?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Stumbling blocks. New day. New plan.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of time driving around and while I was driving I got to thinking a lot about my weight and what I am and am not doing right. I spent the weekend looking at inspirational weight-loss blogs and wondering why my blog is all about me failing.
The end of the semester is coming, and with it my anxiety, the loss of my short-term memory, and a strong urge to binge eat. I was doing well, I was keeping up with jogging and I was walking 3 miles everyday when Owen and I were in Houston. I came back from Texas weighing 261 pounds, something I was very pleased with because I knew I had not made good food choices the last few days there. However, stressors in Houston (family) and stressors when I got back from Houston (migraines and school), I’ve binged more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. They aren’t full-out binges, I don’t eat all the food in the house. But, they are still binges and I need to acknowledge them as that. It isn’t normal to sit and eat through an entire bag of chips for a “snack”. And as I sat there reading all those inspirational blog posts, I wondered why I leave the store with all healthy things in my cart - fruits and veggies and chicken sausages and whole grains… And a bag of chips. And I wondered why I go home with all my fresh, healthy foods and sit down to eat the bag of chips. Not a snack size bag, but a full-sized bag of chips. I hate myself afterwards. I always do, and yet I still do it again.
I’m not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to set myself up for failure and then wonder why I failed. I'm not going to put things in my cart thinking that I will be able to control myself, I’m not going to let my emotions go grocery shopping for me. I need to do it was a clear head. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see; hating that I haven’t been honest with myself. Hating that I’m only half committing myself to what needs to be a full-time job. If I am serious about losing weight, I need to do it 100%.
I recently signed up for a CSA (community supported agriculture) in Spokane and I'm really hoping that it ends up being a good thing. It is very affordable and it’s a way to get food that I should be eating without going to the grocery store; if I don’t go to the grocery store, I can’t buy unhealthy things.
I am also going to stop looking at a restaurant as a chance to “cheat”. Going out should be about being with my family and friends, not about how badly I can break my diet. I'm tired of going out with friends and then waking up the next morning feeling awful about myself, wishing I had made it made a better choice, wishing that I haven't gone out all. I love healthy foods, I'm not sure why when given the chance I turned to unhealthy things that I know I shouldn’t be eating instead of healthier options on the menu. I have plans to go out with the other grad students this weekend – to sushi. And instead of seeing it as a free-for-all (and eating the oh-so-good fried rolls) and instead of caving to pressure and ordering the same cheap rolls as everybody else, I’ve looked at the menu online and have planned what I am going to get. I am going to order an expensive meal, but a healthy one. One that I know I will like and one that I know will be good for me. And I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends and the fact that somebody else is preparing and cleaning up after my food, instead of worrying about and feeling guilty about what I am eating.
I know that losing weight doesn't come without an emotional sacrifice. You certainly don't get to be 275 pounds without carrying a lot of emotional baggage with you. There's a lot I haven't written about, about my weight gain, about my self-image both before and after I was heavy, but suffice it to say my story is no different than a lot of other women out there. I had crap happen in my life my and I turned to food to fix it. There's nothing I want more right now – except maybe a job – than to reclaim my life and to be able to live without my weight holding me back. I don't want every decision I make and every waking moment to be wrapped up in my weight. Whether it something I don't feel comfortable doing because I'm heavy, or a decision I have to make because I'm trying to lose weight.
One of the things I'm good at, is planning. I love making lists and I love planning things; it’s something I especially like to do when my anxiety gets out of control because planning things helps me to feel in control. And so today yesterday I went to the office store and bought a bunch of different colored sharpies and a new calendar and I sat down last night I planned my workouts for the next month. Workouts every day, using my elliptical, using the things I have in my apartment, and using the outdoors. I recently had to cancel my gym membership because I really can't afford it right now, and I know that I wasn't using it as much as I should've been. That doesn't mean I'm not going to work out, I have a very nice elliptical machine and I have lots of workout videos. I also have a dog who needs to go on walks. I have workouts planned every single day for the next 30-odd days. I'm doing the 30-day-squat challenge, and the 30-day-ab challenge while mixing in cardio and various other things. I know that by eating right and by getting active, I can make a difference in my body.
I know that this is a journey of trial and error, and I've definitely made a few errors along the way, but I'm finally ready to step up and take charge of my life. I can imagine what my new life will be like. I can imagine feeling confident in my body, being able to go shopping at the mall with friends and go to the same stores that they do and actually find clothes that fit and look good. I can feel what it would be like to ride horses again; it's not something you ever forget. When I reach my goal weight I'm going to seriously look into purchasing a horse; I don't care help how broke I am, it's something I need to do for myself. I can see what my new life will be like and I know I want to start living it, but I've been so scared to start.
No longer.
I'm ready to start living.
(Follow my daily progress and workout/food plans at my new facebook page: A Dog for Katherine is Losing It)
The end of the semester is coming, and with it my anxiety, the loss of my short-term memory, and a strong urge to binge eat. I was doing well, I was keeping up with jogging and I was walking 3 miles everyday when Owen and I were in Houston. I came back from Texas weighing 261 pounds, something I was very pleased with because I knew I had not made good food choices the last few days there. However, stressors in Houston (family) and stressors when I got back from Houston (migraines and school), I’ve binged more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. They aren’t full-out binges, I don’t eat all the food in the house. But, they are still binges and I need to acknowledge them as that. It isn’t normal to sit and eat through an entire bag of chips for a “snack”. And as I sat there reading all those inspirational blog posts, I wondered why I leave the store with all healthy things in my cart - fruits and veggies and chicken sausages and whole grains… And a bag of chips. And I wondered why I go home with all my fresh, healthy foods and sit down to eat the bag of chips. Not a snack size bag, but a full-sized bag of chips. I hate myself afterwards. I always do, and yet I still do it again.
I’m not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to set myself up for failure and then wonder why I failed. I'm not going to put things in my cart thinking that I will be able to control myself, I’m not going to let my emotions go grocery shopping for me. I need to do it was a clear head. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see; hating that I haven’t been honest with myself. Hating that I’m only half committing myself to what needs to be a full-time job. If I am serious about losing weight, I need to do it 100%.
I recently signed up for a CSA (community supported agriculture) in Spokane and I'm really hoping that it ends up being a good thing. It is very affordable and it’s a way to get food that I should be eating without going to the grocery store; if I don’t go to the grocery store, I can’t buy unhealthy things.
I am also going to stop looking at a restaurant as a chance to “cheat”. Going out should be about being with my family and friends, not about how badly I can break my diet. I'm tired of going out with friends and then waking up the next morning feeling awful about myself, wishing I had made it made a better choice, wishing that I haven't gone out all. I love healthy foods, I'm not sure why when given the chance I turned to unhealthy things that I know I shouldn’t be eating instead of healthier options on the menu. I have plans to go out with the other grad students this weekend – to sushi. And instead of seeing it as a free-for-all (and eating the oh-so-good fried rolls) and instead of caving to pressure and ordering the same cheap rolls as everybody else, I’ve looked at the menu online and have planned what I am going to get. I am going to order an expensive meal, but a healthy one. One that I know I will like and one that I know will be good for me. And I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends and the fact that somebody else is preparing and cleaning up after my food, instead of worrying about and feeling guilty about what I am eating.
I know that losing weight doesn't come without an emotional sacrifice. You certainly don't get to be 275 pounds without carrying a lot of emotional baggage with you. There's a lot I haven't written about, about my weight gain, about my self-image both before and after I was heavy, but suffice it to say my story is no different than a lot of other women out there. I had crap happen in my life my and I turned to food to fix it. There's nothing I want more right now – except maybe a job – than to reclaim my life and to be able to live without my weight holding me back. I don't want every decision I make and every waking moment to be wrapped up in my weight. Whether it something I don't feel comfortable doing because I'm heavy, or a decision I have to make because I'm trying to lose weight.
One of the things I'm good at, is planning. I love making lists and I love planning things; it’s something I especially like to do when my anxiety gets out of control because planning things helps me to feel in control. And so today yesterday I went to the office store and bought a bunch of different colored sharpies and a new calendar and I sat down last night I planned my workouts for the next month. Workouts every day, using my elliptical, using the things I have in my apartment, and using the outdoors. I recently had to cancel my gym membership because I really can't afford it right now, and I know that I wasn't using it as much as I should've been. That doesn't mean I'm not going to work out, I have a very nice elliptical machine and I have lots of workout videos. I also have a dog who needs to go on walks. I have workouts planned every single day for the next 30-odd days. I'm doing the 30-day-squat challenge, and the 30-day-ab challenge while mixing in cardio and various other things. I know that by eating right and by getting active, I can make a difference in my body.
I know that this is a journey of trial and error, and I've definitely made a few errors along the way, but I'm finally ready to step up and take charge of my life. I can imagine what my new life will be like. I can imagine feeling confident in my body, being able to go shopping at the mall with friends and go to the same stores that they do and actually find clothes that fit and look good. I can feel what it would be like to ride horses again; it's not something you ever forget. When I reach my goal weight I'm going to seriously look into purchasing a horse; I don't care help how broke I am, it's something I need to do for myself. I can see what my new life will be like and I know I want to start living it, but I've been so scared to start.
No longer.
I'm ready to start living.
(Follow my daily progress and workout/food plans at my new facebook page: A Dog for Katherine is Losing It)
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