Damn Atkins is making me crave things. All I want is sweets and breads and anything that's a carb.
I'm not having them though.
I'm staying strong. For the most part.
I'm prescribing to the idea of 90/10 - 90% of the time is hardcore Atkins and 10% of the time I can splurge. For example, I had some brown rice this week at Chipotle. But, I didn't have beans or the tortilla, and I had the lowest-carb salsa (medium in case you're wondering).
Tomorrow night I might allow myself some carbs; it depends how my weigh-in goes in the morning. I have an excel graph where I've plotted out how I envision my weight loss trajectory going in a healthy way that has all of my weight lost by this time next year. Obviously, it would be better if it were quicker, but I'll be so happy to lose anything, I'm okay keeping at it for one year. I'm on track for where I wanted to be at the end of January.
My goal is to be at 220 by my graduation in May. It's a little extreme, but so is this diet.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Day 1
Seven months ago I wrote this.
Seven months ago I thought my life was beginning.
Seven months ago I would have said in seven months I'll be so much closer to reaching my goal.
To being healthy.
In seven months I have accomplished nothing.
I tried. I worked my ass off all summer. For nothing. I'm embarrassed to read some old blog posts talking about how much I was at the gym. About how many hours I was working out. About how heavy the weights were that I was lifting. But it was difficult to keep up with that when the school year started and I was seeing no changes on the scale. So I stopped.
This week I've been to the gym twice. I have plans to go 3 times next week. I'm not going to kill myself overdoing it, especially because of the next step of my plan.
I'm going full-blown Atkins.
My last post said I was waiting, waiting for an answer from doctors. I have my answer. Insulin resistance. Otherwise known as metabolic syndrome.
On one hand, I'm glad to know I'm not crazy. I'm glad to know that the reason I haven't lost weight doing the right things is because it's 5x harder for me to lose weight than a "normal" person. And because of that I can't just do things the right way most of the time, it has to be the right way 100% of the time and then some.
On the other hand? It's another diagnosis and I've been prescribed more meds to take because my blood sugar levels are too high. I don't have prediabetes, but it's dangerously close. If I don't get this under control, the next step is prediabetes followed by Type 2 diabetes.
I realized today while I was in bed thinking before I got up that a diagnosis of diabetes means never again will I have freedom eating what I want to. Every food decision I make will be clouded by the fact that I have diabetes. Insulin resistance is completely reversible through exercise and weight loss. It's possible my body really doesn't tolerate carbohydrates well; maybe I will never be able to eat carbs again without spiking my blood sugar and worrying about what it will do to my body. But if I am healthy, if I don't have insulin resistance, I can splurge once in a while. I can go out with friends and eat what I want to, as long as I am careful the rest of the week. I could have ice cream without doing dangerous things to my body. I wouldn't have to be 100% careful 100% of the time.
I love food. I love good food. I love trying new things and going to good restaurants or cooking good food. I don't want to have to worry every minute of every day about what I'm eating. I want the freedom that comes with being healthy; so for now I'm willing to sacrifice that freedom.
The doctors recommended I go on a low carb diet. They're sending me information in the mail about exactly what they want me to do. However... I do everything to the extreme. If my problem is carbohydrates; that my body can't convert them to energy without spiking my blood sugar which in turn causes weight gain, then why don't I just cut carbs all together?
Atkins is hard core. For phase 1 (which I'm planning on extending from 2 weeks to 4 weeks (or maybe longer) to maximize weight loss), I don't get fruit, startchy vegetables, or any grains. I'm supposed to eat around 20 grams of "net-carbs" a day (fiber doesn't count). What I'm quickly finding out, is that everything has carbohydrates. I'm allowed to eat a lot of protein and basically as many veggies as I can (8 cups a day between salads and cooked veggies). I went shopping with Owen yesterday and stocked my fridge with all sorts of non-startchy vegetables (fennel, zucchini, green beans, lettuce, radishes, squash...) and lots of proteins. I can have cheese in small amounts, and if there is one thing that rivals my love of really good bread. It's really good cheese. I think Owen and I may venture to Trader Joe's one day to check out their cheese selection. If I have to give up bread, I'm going to enjoy my cheese.
I'm a good cook. In fact, were things different in my life (no "calling" to be a special ed teacher and no Owen), I think I would have ended up in culinary school. I may love good bread and sweets, but I trust in my ability to make a meal from just a protein source and veggies. I love eating vegetables, and I am going to use this time on Atkins to explore different vegetables and different ways of cooking them. I know I can cook and I know I can cook vegetables in a way that I will want to eat them. But I also bought an Atkins cookbook because I have never consciously cooked low-carb in my life. Once I run out of what I know, I know I will be happy to have some inspiration for new meal and snack ideas.
Day 1 on Atkins (aka: the day my life really begins): 265 pounds. 110 to go.
Breakfast: super cheesy scrambled eggs with a smidge of sour cream. 3 eggs with 2 oz of cheese; I think tomorrow I will try with just 1 oz of cheese (I only get 4 oz a day).
Lunch: 2 small hamburgers with cheddar & pepperjack cheese (1/2 oz of cheese on each) & salad (dressed with olive oil, half a lemon, and parmesan cheese). I also had some club soda with the leftover lemon; the meds the doctors have me on are making me nauseous. (My salad ended up being my afternoon snack as the meds I took right before lunch made me so nauseous I didn't want to eat for a while.)
Dinner: pan fried green beans (with garlic & lemon) and steak with olive tapenade. Yum!
I'm having more club soda (with lemon) now as a preventative to settle my stomach as I had to take the second pill after dinner. There's no rhubarb in the stores now; I forgot to check the freezer section in the store. If I can find rhubarb, I can cook it down - Atkins says with artificial sweetener, I'll probably use honey or agave because I don't like eating the artificial stuff - and eat it with heavy cream for "dessert".
Day 1 was a success! Here's to.... a lot more.
Seven months ago I thought my life was beginning.
Seven months ago I would have said in seven months I'll be so much closer to reaching my goal.
To being healthy.
In seven months I have accomplished nothing.
I tried. I worked my ass off all summer. For nothing. I'm embarrassed to read some old blog posts talking about how much I was at the gym. About how many hours I was working out. About how heavy the weights were that I was lifting. But it was difficult to keep up with that when the school year started and I was seeing no changes on the scale. So I stopped.
This week I've been to the gym twice. I have plans to go 3 times next week. I'm not going to kill myself overdoing it, especially because of the next step of my plan.
I'm going full-blown Atkins.
My last post said I was waiting, waiting for an answer from doctors. I have my answer. Insulin resistance. Otherwise known as metabolic syndrome.
On one hand, I'm glad to know I'm not crazy. I'm glad to know that the reason I haven't lost weight doing the right things is because it's 5x harder for me to lose weight than a "normal" person. And because of that I can't just do things the right way most of the time, it has to be the right way 100% of the time and then some.
On the other hand? It's another diagnosis and I've been prescribed more meds to take because my blood sugar levels are too high. I don't have prediabetes, but it's dangerously close. If I don't get this under control, the next step is prediabetes followed by Type 2 diabetes.
I realized today while I was in bed thinking before I got up that a diagnosis of diabetes means never again will I have freedom eating what I want to. Every food decision I make will be clouded by the fact that I have diabetes. Insulin resistance is completely reversible through exercise and weight loss. It's possible my body really doesn't tolerate carbohydrates well; maybe I will never be able to eat carbs again without spiking my blood sugar and worrying about what it will do to my body. But if I am healthy, if I don't have insulin resistance, I can splurge once in a while. I can go out with friends and eat what I want to, as long as I am careful the rest of the week. I could have ice cream without doing dangerous things to my body. I wouldn't have to be 100% careful 100% of the time.
I love food. I love good food. I love trying new things and going to good restaurants or cooking good food. I don't want to have to worry every minute of every day about what I'm eating. I want the freedom that comes with being healthy; so for now I'm willing to sacrifice that freedom.
The doctors recommended I go on a low carb diet. They're sending me information in the mail about exactly what they want me to do. However... I do everything to the extreme. If my problem is carbohydrates; that my body can't convert them to energy without spiking my blood sugar which in turn causes weight gain, then why don't I just cut carbs all together?
Atkins is hard core. For phase 1 (which I'm planning on extending from 2 weeks to 4 weeks (or maybe longer) to maximize weight loss), I don't get fruit, startchy vegetables, or any grains. I'm supposed to eat around 20 grams of "net-carbs" a day (fiber doesn't count). What I'm quickly finding out, is that everything has carbohydrates. I'm allowed to eat a lot of protein and basically as many veggies as I can (8 cups a day between salads and cooked veggies). I went shopping with Owen yesterday and stocked my fridge with all sorts of non-startchy vegetables (fennel, zucchini, green beans, lettuce, radishes, squash...) and lots of proteins. I can have cheese in small amounts, and if there is one thing that rivals my love of really good bread. It's really good cheese. I think Owen and I may venture to Trader Joe's one day to check out their cheese selection. If I have to give up bread, I'm going to enjoy my cheese.
I'm a good cook. In fact, were things different in my life (no "calling" to be a special ed teacher and no Owen), I think I would have ended up in culinary school. I may love good bread and sweets, but I trust in my ability to make a meal from just a protein source and veggies. I love eating vegetables, and I am going to use this time on Atkins to explore different vegetables and different ways of cooking them. I know I can cook and I know I can cook vegetables in a way that I will want to eat them. But I also bought an Atkins cookbook because I have never consciously cooked low-carb in my life. Once I run out of what I know, I know I will be happy to have some inspiration for new meal and snack ideas.
Day 1 on Atkins (aka: the day my life really begins): 265 pounds. 110 to go.
I'm having more club soda (with lemon) now as a preventative to settle my stomach as I had to take the second pill after dinner. There's no rhubarb in the stores now; I forgot to check the freezer section in the store. If I can find rhubarb, I can cook it down - Atkins says with artificial sweetener, I'll probably use honey or agave because I don't like eating the artificial stuff - and eat it with heavy cream for "dessert".
Day 1 was a success! Here's to.... a lot more.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Waiting...
I am still waiting to hear back from the doctor on the results of my lab work. They are suspicious of two things:
1) Insulin resistance - it's basically pre-pre-diabetes. There wouldn't be anything medically to do in this case; but it would be helpful to know if I am insulin resistant. This would mean it would be 5x harder for me to lose weight than an "average" person; so for every 2 pounds I lose, someone putting in just as much work would lose 10. Another way of looking at it would be that for every one month somebody puts into losing weight, it would take me 5 months to lose the same amount of weight. Sucks, right? But at least I would know that the fight I am in for would be that much harder. I would know that to see big numbers I would have to wait 5 or 10 months instead of 1 or 2. It would suck, but knowing that this is what I am up against would help.
2) Some kind of thyroid problem. I'm predisposed to thyroid problems as they run in my family (and while they aren't genetic in the way that they are passed down, if somebody in your family has a thyroid disorder it means that your genetics are such that you are more likely to have a similar disorder). This would be good news in the way that it could help with my weight loss, but it would likely mean a lifetime of medications.
or 3) A combination of both things.
I should have heard back from the doctor last week, but still no answers. I am calling (again) tomorrow morning, hoping that somebody somewhere has answers.
My weight has been fluctuating between 267 and 269 for the past few weeks. Back to the gym tomorrow now that my schedule is figured out and my health is under control. I figure it is better to start working on good habits now, even if I don't know what the doctors know yet.
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
1) Insulin resistance - it's basically pre-pre-diabetes. There wouldn't be anything medically to do in this case; but it would be helpful to know if I am insulin resistant. This would mean it would be 5x harder for me to lose weight than an "average" person; so for every 2 pounds I lose, someone putting in just as much work would lose 10. Another way of looking at it would be that for every one month somebody puts into losing weight, it would take me 5 months to lose the same amount of weight. Sucks, right? But at least I would know that the fight I am in for would be that much harder. I would know that to see big numbers I would have to wait 5 or 10 months instead of 1 or 2. It would suck, but knowing that this is what I am up against would help.
2) Some kind of thyroid problem. I'm predisposed to thyroid problems as they run in my family (and while they aren't genetic in the way that they are passed down, if somebody in your family has a thyroid disorder it means that your genetics are such that you are more likely to have a similar disorder). This would be good news in the way that it could help with my weight loss, but it would likely mean a lifetime of medications.
or 3) A combination of both things.
I should have heard back from the doctor last week, but still no answers. I am calling (again) tomorrow morning, hoping that somebody somewhere has answers.
My weight has been fluctuating between 267 and 269 for the past few weeks. Back to the gym tomorrow now that my schedule is figured out and my health is under control. I figure it is better to start working on good habits now, even if I don't know what the doctors know yet.
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Irony
Funny enough, no doctor I have ever been to has ever said anything about my weight. And I really wonder why this is. Is it such a taboo subject that a doctor won't even broach it? Do they know that my weight gain is caused by the pills they prescribed? Or is it something else?
Maybe because I never brought it up, they didn't feel the need to...
I'm very bitter towards doctors, and I really doubt this attitude will ever change. I can't believe that no doctor ever bothered to connect my ever-increasing weight to the pills. They prescribed pills that could cause weight gain, but they never bothered to monitor it. Never once did they ask if there was anything in my lifestyle that could cause weight gain. And now I'm 271.8 pounds and off the meds and have nowhere to turn.
I've tried everything I know how to do and I still can't lose the weight. I'm eating less than an average person (maybe 2 meals a day), but I'm still not losing. I'm working out once or twice a week, and not losing an ounce.
I'm so angry at the doctors who watched me gain weight for six years and never once said anything about it. Who watched me become obese and never once said, why don't we try a different medication. Never once asked if I was eating healthy or working out.
Did they just assume I was making the wrong food choices? Did they assume I was binging? Did they think I never went to the gym? All of the above?
I know as the patient, it is my responsibility to bring up issues of concern to my doctors. But as a teenager, battling everything I am challenged with, when your doctor doesn't mention your weight gain you think, Maybe this isn't so bad... Maybe I'm really not gaining as much weight as I think I am. Which isn't true.
I have gained over 100 pounds since I was 15; pre-Tourette's. I gained 50 pounds in 9 months of anti-depressants, and the rest I have gradually put on since then. I have gained 30 pounds since this time last year; due to medication.
And in the 7 months since I got off all the prescription meds, I've only gained 10 pounds. All of which happened between April and July.
For the last 4 months my weight has been stable.
That is something I have never been able to say.
I'm so frustrated at myself for not wanting to face this sooner, but I'm more frustrated with the doctors for not being willing to broach this topic with me. For not being willing to admit that maybe a pill they gave me was causing my weight gain as opposed to a lifestyle choice.
This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I am not a "fat girl". The pills made me this way, but now it is my job to try and change this.
I am seeing an endocrinologist in January and I am praying (literally) that he will have something to offer me other than the customary, I'm sorry. Because if this doesn't work... I have no other choices.
I'm eating healthy. I'm working out. Weight loss surgery wouldn't help me because I'm not an over-eater. I'm simply somebody whose metabolism doesn't work. Because once upon a time, doctors thought it was more important to be doped out of my mind than to be overweight. They thought that it was better to expose my body to all of these poisons than to have Tourette's. They wanted to fix a part of me that doesn't need fixing. That part of who I am will never be fixed. But this... my weight... needs to be fixed.
And I find it excruciatingly ironic that I now have to rely on doctors to help me when the doctors are the ones who gave me the pills that put me in this position in the first place. Lovely.
Maybe because I never brought it up, they didn't feel the need to...
I'm very bitter towards doctors, and I really doubt this attitude will ever change. I can't believe that no doctor ever bothered to connect my ever-increasing weight to the pills. They prescribed pills that could cause weight gain, but they never bothered to monitor it. Never once did they ask if there was anything in my lifestyle that could cause weight gain. And now I'm 271.8 pounds and off the meds and have nowhere to turn.
I've tried everything I know how to do and I still can't lose the weight. I'm eating less than an average person (maybe 2 meals a day), but I'm still not losing. I'm working out once or twice a week, and not losing an ounce.
I'm so angry at the doctors who watched me gain weight for six years and never once said anything about it. Who watched me become obese and never once said, why don't we try a different medication. Never once asked if I was eating healthy or working out.
Did they just assume I was making the wrong food choices? Did they assume I was binging? Did they think I never went to the gym? All of the above?
I know as the patient, it is my responsibility to bring up issues of concern to my doctors. But as a teenager, battling everything I am challenged with, when your doctor doesn't mention your weight gain you think, Maybe this isn't so bad... Maybe I'm really not gaining as much weight as I think I am. Which isn't true.
I have gained over 100 pounds since I was 15; pre-Tourette's. I gained 50 pounds in 9 months of anti-depressants, and the rest I have gradually put on since then. I have gained 30 pounds since this time last year; due to medication.
And in the 7 months since I got off all the prescription meds, I've only gained 10 pounds. All of which happened between April and July.
For the last 4 months my weight has been stable.
That is something I have never been able to say.
I'm so frustrated at myself for not wanting to face this sooner, but I'm more frustrated with the doctors for not being willing to broach this topic with me. For not being willing to admit that maybe a pill they gave me was causing my weight gain as opposed to a lifestyle choice.
This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I am not a "fat girl". The pills made me this way, but now it is my job to try and change this.
I am seeing an endocrinologist in January and I am praying (literally) that he will have something to offer me other than the customary, I'm sorry. Because if this doesn't work... I have no other choices.
I'm eating healthy. I'm working out. Weight loss surgery wouldn't help me because I'm not an over-eater. I'm simply somebody whose metabolism doesn't work. Because once upon a time, doctors thought it was more important to be doped out of my mind than to be overweight. They thought that it was better to expose my body to all of these poisons than to have Tourette's. They wanted to fix a part of me that doesn't need fixing. That part of who I am will never be fixed. But this... my weight... needs to be fixed.
And I find it excruciatingly ironic that I now have to rely on doctors to help me when the doctors are the ones who gave me the pills that put me in this position in the first place. Lovely.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Moving Forward
I'm trying to move forward. Move on with my life. Stop hating myself; stop hating everytime I have to look in a mirror or watch videos from our behavioral lab. And it's hard.
I'm becoming more honest with myself about what I have to live with. I am healthy. I am eating balanced meals and getting a good amount of fruits and veggies. I am seriously decreasing the number of carbs I eat; and the ones I do are whole-grains. And yet, my weight doesn't change. This is the hardest part. If I were to see just a tiny, miniscule, change on the scale, I might not feel so forlorn. So I'm trying not to be; I'm trying to feel comforted by seeing the same number over and over on the scale. That means I'm not gaining weight. That is a good thing.
I'm finding a balance. I'm not going overboard and spending hours upon hours at the gym every week. I'm working out once or twice a week. And when I do I'm able to keep up and get a good workout without huffing and puffing. This is a change from a few months ago.
I'm eating healthier meals and bringing lunches to school instead of buying something for lunch. This means I eat at better times too; instead of waiting until I am starving at 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm munching on healthy snacks for lunch at a normal lunch time.
But I'm also having small amounts of (good) ice cream after dinner when I want it. I'm having the occasional latte from Starbucks. I'm going out with friends and ordering what sounds good to me and eating until I'm full; instead of finding what looks to be the healthiest thing on the menu and not enjoying it.
This balance will be important for when I am finally able to start losing weight. And at least I know once all my weight is lost, I will be able to maintain it. Because, apparently I am very good at maintaining.
I weighed in at 272.8 this weekend; so absolutely no change.
October goals review...
Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).
Done! I will be seeing an endocrinologist who specializes in metabolism problems in December. And fingers crossed, he is able to figure out why my body refuses to lose weight.
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Yeah... this one didn't happen. Again. I'm putting it on the back burner for a month or so. Once I know I can lose weight and I pick back up at the gym, I will worry about this.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
I actually did this consciously, instead of simply forgetting to weigh myself because I was so tired. Yay!
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
Done! This is something I will continually make a goal, but I won't worry so much about it this month as I seem to have broken the fast-food-dinner-every-night trend I had going in September.
November goals:
Get back to my vitamin/supplement regimen (green tea supplements, multi-vitamin, vitamin-D, B-complex, glucosamine). I stopped taking them when I got sick in September and I oscilated between taking everything, taking some of them, and taking none of the aforementioned supplements last month. I added each of them to my diet for a reason, now it's time to start taking them again.
Eat breakfast. Every morning. (Ugh.)
I'm becoming more honest with myself about what I have to live with. I am healthy. I am eating balanced meals and getting a good amount of fruits and veggies. I am seriously decreasing the number of carbs I eat; and the ones I do are whole-grains. And yet, my weight doesn't change. This is the hardest part. If I were to see just a tiny, miniscule, change on the scale, I might not feel so forlorn. So I'm trying not to be; I'm trying to feel comforted by seeing the same number over and over on the scale. That means I'm not gaining weight. That is a good thing.
I'm finding a balance. I'm not going overboard and spending hours upon hours at the gym every week. I'm working out once or twice a week. And when I do I'm able to keep up and get a good workout without huffing and puffing. This is a change from a few months ago.
I'm eating healthier meals and bringing lunches to school instead of buying something for lunch. This means I eat at better times too; instead of waiting until I am starving at 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm munching on healthy snacks for lunch at a normal lunch time.
But I'm also having small amounts of (good) ice cream after dinner when I want it. I'm having the occasional latte from Starbucks. I'm going out with friends and ordering what sounds good to me and eating until I'm full; instead of finding what looks to be the healthiest thing on the menu and not enjoying it.
This balance will be important for when I am finally able to start losing weight. And at least I know once all my weight is lost, I will be able to maintain it. Because, apparently I am very good at maintaining.
I weighed in at 272.8 this weekend; so absolutely no change.
October goals review...
Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).
Done! I will be seeing an endocrinologist who specializes in metabolism problems in December. And fingers crossed, he is able to figure out why my body refuses to lose weight.
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Yeah... this one didn't happen. Again. I'm putting it on the back burner for a month or so. Once I know I can lose weight and I pick back up at the gym, I will worry about this.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
I actually did this consciously, instead of simply forgetting to weigh myself because I was so tired. Yay!
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
Done! This is something I will continually make a goal, but I won't worry so much about it this month as I seem to have broken the fast-food-dinner-every-night trend I had going in September.
November goals:
Get back to my vitamin/supplement regimen (green tea supplements, multi-vitamin, vitamin-D, B-complex, glucosamine). I stopped taking them when I got sick in September and I oscilated between taking everything, taking some of them, and taking none of the aforementioned supplements last month. I added each of them to my diet for a reason, now it's time to start taking them again.
Eat breakfast. Every morning. (Ugh.)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sucky September
Ugh. 273.8
September sucked.
I honestly don't even remember the beginning of September. To tell you the truth, I barely remember what happened last week. I got to Friday and not only could I not recall what had happened all week, I couldn't believe it was already time to go back to the stable (Saturdays) and prep for Sunday school. I really don't know where September went.
But I do know that I'm happy to see it go.
I have been in chronic pain all month. All. Month. I really don't think there was a single day in which I didn't have (1) a concussion, (2) severe muscle cramps, (3) a migraine or migraine symptoms (photo-sensitivity or pain places it shouldn't be without the headache), or (4) a damn cold. I have had days where I have coughed so hard I threw up. Days where I thought I was going to the ER if the pain in my arm got any worse (pinched nerve). Days where I couldn't walk because my calves seized every time I took a step. Nights where I didn't sleep because my legs charlie horsed so severely that I woke up every hour. Days where I wanted to pull one of my teeth out of my mouth because it had a pulse and was causing severe pain. And multiple days where I wanted to gouge out my eyes because that would hurt less than the pain I was experiencing.
Right now my skull feels two sizes too small but ironically, pressure relieves the pain. And this is dangerous. Because this is how my self-injurious tics started and are maintained. Because if gradual pressure on my forehead and temples helps, then a sharp *pop* to my head is better. The pain is so intense inside my head, that bashing my fists into my skull actually hurts less. And it's all I can do to not bash my fists into my head right now.
So no, September did not go well on the weight loss front.
Ugh.
September goals review...
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Yeah... getting a tape measurer would have actually required me to go into a store. So, no.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
So, actually did this one. But not because I was thinking about it, because I was running late almost every morning and I felt like crap. But we'll still count it as a win. And keep it on the goal list for next month.
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
Hmmm... Yeah, my migraine totally threw this one off track. There are some nights that I don't even want to consider dinner. Or mornings where I can't even consider packing a lunch. I think I ate 8 fast food meals this month. This definitely stays on the list for next month.
October goals:
Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
September sucked.
I honestly don't even remember the beginning of September. To tell you the truth, I barely remember what happened last week. I got to Friday and not only could I not recall what had happened all week, I couldn't believe it was already time to go back to the stable (Saturdays) and prep for Sunday school. I really don't know where September went.
But I do know that I'm happy to see it go.
I have been in chronic pain all month. All. Month. I really don't think there was a single day in which I didn't have (1) a concussion, (2) severe muscle cramps, (3) a migraine or migraine symptoms (photo-sensitivity or pain places it shouldn't be without the headache), or (4) a damn cold. I have had days where I have coughed so hard I threw up. Days where I thought I was going to the ER if the pain in my arm got any worse (pinched nerve). Days where I couldn't walk because my calves seized every time I took a step. Nights where I didn't sleep because my legs charlie horsed so severely that I woke up every hour. Days where I wanted to pull one of my teeth out of my mouth because it had a pulse and was causing severe pain. And multiple days where I wanted to gouge out my eyes because that would hurt less than the pain I was experiencing.
Right now my skull feels two sizes too small but ironically, pressure relieves the pain. And this is dangerous. Because this is how my self-injurious tics started and are maintained. Because if gradual pressure on my forehead and temples helps, then a sharp *pop* to my head is better. The pain is so intense inside my head, that bashing my fists into my skull actually hurts less. And it's all I can do to not bash my fists into my head right now.
So no, September did not go well on the weight loss front.
Ugh.
September goals review...
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Yeah... getting a tape measurer would have actually required me to go into a store. So, no.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
So, actually did this one. But not because I was thinking about it, because I was running late almost every morning and I felt like crap. But we'll still count it as a win. And keep it on the goal list for next month.
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
Hmmm... Yeah, my migraine totally threw this one off track. There are some nights that I don't even want to consider dinner. Or mornings where I can't even consider packing a lunch. I think I ate 8 fast food meals this month. This definitely stays on the list for next month.
October goals:
Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
September
I'm a few days late blogging, but I did weigh myself on the first of the month.
268.6
Which means that in August I lost a whopping 4 pounds. Which is a start. I guess? I had a pretty decent-sized meltdown the last week of August. I had been killing myself at the gym, and had not lost a single pound. Now, I know you're thinking, but I said I lost 4 pounds. My weight fluxuates drastically from day-to-day and I haven't gotten back on the scale since 9/1 and I have no idea if 268 is where I am, or if I've boomeranged back up. I don't really want to know (I also baked a little bit - and sampled - this weekend, so there is that).
I am noticing a tighter tummy and muscles in my legs, so I know all is not for naught. I had grand plans the other day to take measurements, so that I can see that change in addition to the scale, but for the life of me I could not find my tape measurer (even though I know there is one in my apartment). So I'm either going to buy one or find mine... And with my track history, I'll be much better off if I just purchase a new one.
I've been... pretty good about the gym since I last posted. Not great. I had a concussion last week and so I skimped on some workouts and skipped others. The good news is that when I didn't feel up to working out, I didn't feel up to eating either. School started last week and I'm working on finding a balance between school, homework, working out, and work (which starts this weekend). I've also volunteered at a local therapeutic riding center one day a week, and that starts this weekend.
September goals:
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
8/22: 1 hour step, 1 hour zumba
8/23: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing
8/27: 1 hour step
8/28: 1 hour elliptical
8/29: 1 hour step
8/31: 30 mins elliptical
9/1: 1 hour body conditioning
268.6
Which means that in August I lost a whopping 4 pounds. Which is a start. I guess? I had a pretty decent-sized meltdown the last week of August. I had been killing myself at the gym, and had not lost a single pound. Now, I know you're thinking, but I said I lost 4 pounds. My weight fluxuates drastically from day-to-day and I haven't gotten back on the scale since 9/1 and I have no idea if 268 is where I am, or if I've boomeranged back up. I don't really want to know (I also baked a little bit - and sampled - this weekend, so there is that).
I am noticing a tighter tummy and muscles in my legs, so I know all is not for naught. I had grand plans the other day to take measurements, so that I can see that change in addition to the scale, but for the life of me I could not find my tape measurer (even though I know there is one in my apartment). So I'm either going to buy one or find mine... And with my track history, I'll be much better off if I just purchase a new one.
I've been... pretty good about the gym since I last posted. Not great. I had a concussion last week and so I skimped on some workouts and skipped others. The good news is that when I didn't feel up to working out, I didn't feel up to eating either. School started last week and I'm working on finding a balance between school, homework, working out, and work (which starts this weekend). I've also volunteered at a local therapeutic riding center one day a week, and that starts this weekend.
September goals:
Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements. Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day. Once a week is good.
No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night).
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
8/22: 1 hour step, 1 hour zumba
8/23: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing
8/27: 1 hour step
8/28: 1 hour elliptical
8/29: 1 hour step
8/31: 30 mins elliptical
9/1: 1 hour body conditioning
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