Radical change

In full disclosure, I'm writing this post a week before I intend to post it.  If I fall through, I won't post this and you won't be reading it (so me writing that is a bit of a moot point).

For the people who are linked to this blog from my main blog, welcome.

I'm officially outing myself.

I am more than 100 pounds overweight.

I am bigger than any of the female contestants on the Biggest Loser this season.

I wear a size 22.

I have pre-pre-diabetes (insulin resistance/metabolic syndrome).

And regardless of how I got here, I am the one who is in charge of changing it.

I am incredibly stubborn.  Anything I chose to do, I can and will get done.  But losing weight?  There is so much crap wrapped up in why I am so overweight, that mentally this is something I struggle to overcome.  I finally feel like I am ready to move on.

The month of February was not a good month for being healthy.  I would do everything right Monday through Friday afternoon, and then blow it on the weekend.  Once I had one bad day, and I saw the high number on the scale, I would blow it the rest of the weekend.  I was binging (not full-on binging, but still binging).  I haven't binged in years.

I know I was self-sabotaging.  I was afraid that just like every other time I've attempted to lose weight, that this wouldn't work either, and because of that fear I was blowing it for myself.

I've also learned that saying "no carbs" just makes me want to eat carbs that much more.

I'm finding a balance.  I'm limiting myself to whole-grains and vegetables that have carbohydrates instead of refined carbs.  But the trade is that I am working on eating more veggies and working out more.

Something has possessed me to try running.

I have never been a runner.  I joke that if I try to run, I trip and fall because I am a klutz.  I would tell you that in my entire life I've never been able to run.

And this is a reason that I think elementary PE really screwed me up.  I was always the slowest runner in every gym class I've ever taken.  Even when I was a healthy weight.  I have asthma that was way worse as a kid (I used to have to breathe into a nebulizer machine every night).  Of course I wasn't going to be able to run easily.  By the time I was in high school PE I was making excuses not to run, because I thought I couldn't.  But what I'm finding out, is that it isn't actually all that hard to run jog slowly.  And I don't hate it as much as I thought I would.  In fact, dare I say it, I kind of like waking up and going for a jog.  But thanks to physical education for years and years I never thought this would be something I could do.

I was talking with a friend the other week about her running, and she was saying how she ran when she was stressed.

I know another friend who lost a lot of weight running.

I think runners look good.  It's an exercise that uses your whole body, and that shows.  Somebody who runs is fit.

I was watching the Biggest Loser the other week and Danni was running a mile with Sunny.  And it dawned on me that there was somebody who a few weeks ago was almost as big as I am, and she was able to easily jog a mile.  (I'm watching this week's episode right now and she's jogging as I type...)

I love the idea of getting up early to go for a run before I have to start my day or at the end of a long stressful day.  I like the thought of being that person.

So what's stopping me?

Well, pessimist-me said, you don't know how to run.

So, like any good nerd would do, I, quite literally, googled "how to start running."  I found this great article online which basically said: get off the couch, put on your tennis shoes, leave the house, and go run.

Huh, is it really that easy?

Turns out it is.  Owen and I went running jogging-in-slow-motion for the first time yesterday.   I brought him with me.  You see, he is my prop.  When I can't run anymore, I slow to a walk and I look like a person out walking their dog instead of somebody trying to run.  I figure when I can run for long bursts of time and look like I know what I'm doing, I'll let him decide if he comes or not.

So today, I got a little more serious.  I told people I went jogging (they were all flabbergasted) and I told my mom that I want to go to her special shoe store where they find shoes for you based on how you walk and your needs (I hurt today, but it's mainly from old broken shoes instead of workout pain).  I ordered an armband for my iPhone (it will fit over my case on the phone - which by the way, I have no idea how to take off...) and I ordered these really cool attachments for my iPhone ear buds so they will be "running" ear buds.

I cried when I realized I needed to order the arm-band extender.

I downloaded a new app for my iPhone (miCoach - I'll review it once I get used to it).  It downloads workouts to your iPhone and will coach you through them and track your pace and progress.

If you're reading this blog post, it means I completed the first set of workouts (5).

If I didn't complete them... Again.  Moot point. :)

I have a lot of goals.  I have a lot of things I want.

I want to look considerably better at my graduation from my Master's program in May than I did at last year's commencement (I hate looking at those photos).

I want to look more toned and look good in interview clothes when I go to Texas in April so that I make a good first impression.

When I start my first job, I want to be able to wear clothes like the other teachers instead of clothes that don't fit my body and don't look good.  I want to be able to squat and kneel and do all the things I need to do as a teacher (including chase kids!).

I have signed up for NBC to email me when they are holding Biggest Loser auditions for next season.  By the time I get that email, I want to not fit their criteria anymore.  I want to get that email and laugh at the fact that I thought that may have been my last choice.  I want to know I was able to do this myself.

And as always, in one year I want to not be making weight loss goals anymore.  I want to have "staying healthy" goals.

There's a website where you can set your body type, height, and other features and plug in your current weight and your goal weight and it lets you see how you look at both.  This is my picture that was created.

 

The image on the left is my highest weight, the image on the right would be if I lost a total of 119 pounds.  I literally have an entire person to get rid of.  I'm working on getting actual photos of myself to put up, and measurements and whatnot so that one day I can be one of those people you see on Pinterest with a before and after photo that links to my blog.  Which means I need to get going before Pinterest becomes obsolete!

UPDATE (1 week after first writing this post):

So I did it.  I stuck with running for more than one week.  In fact, I have gone jogging/running/speed-walking/whatever-you-want-to-call-it a total of six times since I first decided to try running.  I'm able to jog for longer periods of time and am able to catch my breath easier.  I like the running app I'm using, it starts out nice and easy so you don't get overwhelmed by what you are trying to do.

I have new running shoes that I was evaluated and fit for... I don't like them.  Not yet at least.  With the Tourette's, I wear really really crappy shoes.  I'm going to tic.  That's a given.  If I'm wearing shoes with support that don't break and mold to my feet, it hurts when my feet tic.  If I wear crappy shoes with no support, it doesn't hurt so bad because the shoes bend when my feet bend.  The running shoes I got have a lot of support, I need it.  My feet are in shock right now at having to use shoes that have a great deal of support, and even though they felt good in the store, they hurt like hell now to wear.

I'm sucking it up when I go running now, and I'm going to start wearing the shoes on my rest days to continue breaking them in.  I think once my feet get used to them, they will make a huge difference.

Yesterday, I weighed in at 259.4, which puts my total lost right now at 15 pounds.  My goal weight is 155 pounds; that's what the BMI calculators say is a healthy weight.  My first short-term goal is to lose 10%; 27 pounds.  That's the first big milestone where they say you make big improvements to your overall health (lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, lower risk of type 2 diabetes - all things I am concerned about).  Only 12 pounds to go!

Letting Go

I've had to let go of a lot of things over the years.

The hardest though, was letting go of the sense of self that I had before Tourette's.  The person who I thought I was going to become didn't exist anymore.  I struggled to find a new sense of identity, a new understanding of who I was.

I have it now.

I am a person with Tourette Syndrome.  No, it doesn't define me.  But it explains who I am better than anything else can.  I am strong and stubborn.  I am not readily embarrassed.  I have an extremely high pain threshold.  I'm able to multi-task like a champ.  I have to work harder than a "normal" person for anything I want to achieve.

That part of me?  It doesn't need fixing.

When I go to a doctor the first thing they see is "Tourette Syndrome".  They then ask about medications for it and question my decision to be medication free.  They hear me ask them about remedies for severe muscle cramps and turn around and offer me tic meds instead.  They hear me list the homeopathic pills that control my migraines as well as prescription medications ever did and cut me off, asking, "But are you on any prescriptions?" 

They see this part of me as needing to be fixed.  If I'm ticcing, then clearly there is something wrong and I need medication.  Clearly, I want to not tic anymore.  Obviously, I want to just be "normal".

But this?  The ticcing and migraines and chronic pain and exhaustion and making a fool out of myself every time I go out into public?  That's who I am.  I've let go the person who I thought I would become (through a long grief process that took a lot of years to work through) and I'm happy with who I am.  I have a good life.  I don't need to "fix" something that isn't broken.

But in their endeavors to fix something that didn't need fixing in the first place, the doctors caused a condition that I had no business having in the first place.  Something, that without the pills I never would have had to live with.  They gave me metabolic syndrome.  Insulin resistance.

The pills made me gain weight and due to that weight gain and what the pills were doing to my body, my metabolism slowed down.  Now, it's hard for me to process carbohydrates and because of that my body has to produce more insulin, which raises my blood sugar and results in weight gain.

I never would have had to even know that, if it weren't for these doctor's and their "cures".  The doctors aren't the ones who suggested I get the blood draw to test for an insulin problem, I was.  I am the one who sought out and endocrinologist and I am the one who asked for these tests to be done.  How much longer would the doctors have waited before coming to this conclusion by themselves?  How long did I wait in silence, knowing something was wrong, but trusting the doctors?  How long did I gain weight knowing there was something not right, but not knowing what I could do about it?

This?  This I don't think I will be able to let go.

I'm certainly not ready to now. 

How do I move on from feeling betrayed by doctors who supposedly knew more about my condition than I did?  How do I move on knowing that no doctor will ever apologize for what they did to me?  No doctor will ever be held accountable for poisoning my body with prescription pills.  No doctor will even broach the subject with me.  They think that you should be happy if your tics are gone, even if you are overweight.  They think that it is better to be obese than it is to have Tourette Syndrome.  What kind of person would chose a disability over being thin?

But that isn't a choice I was given.  I was simply told to take the pills.  There was no discussion, nobody once said, "Maybe you should try something else if you're gaining this much weight."  Nobody even once said anything about my weight gain.

My general practitioner did this winter - I have borderline high blood pressure, but in a doctor's office it skyrockets to the point that you would think I were having a stroke.  I despise doctor's offices and I get stressed and anxious just thinking about it.  As my doctor and I were discussing this, she made the fatal error of saying if I lost weight it would probably help my blood pressure.

No shit.

As though I don't care about my weight.  As if I eat myself into oblivion every night.  As if I binge and don't exercise and don't care about how I look or feel.  When the truth of the matter is, I eat the same amount as any person.  I don't exercise as much as I should, but how many college students do?  Off of the pills that were dulling my senses and making me tired I exercise way more now.  I was being as healthy as I knew how to be and doing everything I knew how to do, it just didn't work.

And she had the gall to act like my weight was a revelation.  As if just pointing it out would solve my problems.

I don't get what the deal with doctors is.  They'll discuss anything candidly with you until it comes to your weight.  No wonder we have an obesity epidemic in this country.  If your doctor won't discuss it with you and bring it up, than maybe it isn't really a problem.  My doctor acted ashamed that she had to talk to me about being overweight, as though it were a taboo subject that she didn't want to broach.  That shouldn't be how it is.

If they're so ready to find a "fix" for my tics (something I maintain needs no fixing), then shouldn't they be just as ready to help me find a fix for my weight?

I'm angry and frustrated.  I'm so mad that this is my fight now and I wasn't the one who put me in this position to begin with.  I was 15 and clinically depressed, of course I was going to take whatever pills the doctors and my parents told me to take.  When I was 17 and they put me on migraine preventatives, even though I knew the pills were making me gain weight I was terrified to stop taking them.  I was terrified of the migraines I would get without the meds.  But you know what?  I'm on homeopathic supplements and doing fine.

I wasn't capable of making those decisions for myself at that point in time.  And the people who were making those decisions made the wrong ones.  Yet, somehow, it is my job to fix it.

So, no.  I'm not ready to let go yet.

Cravings

Damn Atkins is making me crave things.  All I want is sweets and breads and anything that's a carb.

I'm not having them though.

I'm staying strong.  For the most part.

I'm prescribing to the idea of 90/10 - 90% of the time is hardcore Atkins and 10% of the time I can splurge.  For example, I had some brown rice this week at Chipotle.  But, I didn't have beans or the tortilla, and I had the lowest-carb salsa (medium in case you're wondering). 

Tomorrow night I might allow myself some carbs; it depends how my weigh-in goes in the morning.  I have an excel graph where I've plotted out how I envision my weight loss trajectory going in a healthy way that has all of my weight lost by this time next year.  Obviously, it would be better if it were quicker, but I'll be so happy to lose anything, I'm okay keeping at it for one year.  I'm on track for where I wanted to be at the end of January.

My goal is to be at 220 by my graduation in May.  It's a little extreme, but so is this diet.

Day 1

Seven months ago I wrote this.

Seven months ago I thought my life was beginning.

Seven months ago I would have said in seven months I'll be so much closer to reaching my goal.

To being healthy.

In seven months I have accomplished nothing.

I tried.  I worked my ass off all summer.  For nothing.  I'm embarrassed to read some old blog posts talking about how much I was at the gym.  About how many hours I was working out.  About how heavy the weights were that I was lifting.  But it was difficult to keep up with that when the school year started and I was seeing no changes on the scale.  So I stopped.

This week I've been to the gym twice.  I have plans to go 3 times next week.  I'm not going to kill myself overdoing it, especially because of the next step of my plan.

I'm going full-blown Atkins.

My last post said I was waiting, waiting for an answer from doctors.  I have my answer.  Insulin resistance.  Otherwise known as metabolic syndrome.

On one hand, I'm glad to know I'm not crazy.  I'm glad to know that the reason I haven't lost weight doing the right things is because it's 5x harder for me to lose weight than a "normal" person.  And because of that I can't just do things the right way most of the time, it has to be the right way 100% of the time and then some.

On the other hand?  It's another diagnosis and I've been prescribed more meds to take because my blood sugar levels are too high.  I don't have prediabetes, but it's dangerously close.  If I don't get this under control, the next step is prediabetes followed by Type 2 diabetes.

I realized today while I was in bed thinking before I got up that a diagnosis of diabetes means never again will I have freedom eating what I want to.  Every food decision I make will be clouded by the fact that I have diabetes.  Insulin resistance is completely reversible through exercise and weight loss.  It's possible my body really doesn't tolerate carbohydrates well; maybe I will never be able to eat carbs again without spiking my blood sugar and worrying about what it will do to my body.  But if I am healthy, if I don't have insulin resistance, I can splurge once in a while.  I can go out with friends and eat what I want to, as long as I am careful the rest of the week.  I could have ice cream without doing dangerous things to my body.  I wouldn't have to be 100% careful 100% of the time.

I love food.  I love good food.  I love trying new things and going to good restaurants or cooking good food.  I don't want to have to worry every minute of every day about what I'm eating.  I want the freedom that comes with being healthy; so for now I'm willing to sacrifice that freedom.

The doctors recommended I go on a low carb diet.  They're sending me information in the mail about exactly what they want me to do.  However...  I do everything to the extreme.  If my problem is carbohydrates; that my body can't convert them to energy without spiking my blood sugar which in turn causes weight gain, then why don't I just cut carbs all together?

Atkins is hard core.  For phase 1 (which I'm planning on extending from 2 weeks to 4 weeks (or maybe longer) to maximize weight loss), I don't get fruit, startchy vegetables, or any grains.  I'm supposed to eat around 20 grams of "net-carbs" a day (fiber doesn't count).  What I'm quickly finding out, is that everything has carbohydrates.  I'm allowed to eat a lot of protein and basically as many veggies as I can (8 cups a day between salads and cooked veggies).  I went shopping with Owen yesterday and stocked my fridge with all sorts of non-startchy vegetables (fennel, zucchini, green beans, lettuce, radishes, squash...) and lots of proteins.  I can have cheese in small amounts, and if there is one thing that rivals my love of really good bread.  It's really good cheese.  I think Owen and I may venture to Trader Joe's one day to check out their cheese selection.  If I have to give up bread, I'm going to enjoy my cheese.

I'm a good cook.  In fact, were things different in my life (no "calling" to be a special ed teacher and no Owen), I think I would have ended up in culinary school.  I may love good bread and sweets, but I trust in my ability to make a meal from just a protein source and veggies.  I love eating vegetables, and I am going to use this time on Atkins to explore different vegetables and different ways of cooking them.  I know I can cook and I know I can cook vegetables in a way that I will want to eat them.  But I also bought an Atkins cookbook because I have never consciously cooked low-carb in my life.  Once I run out of what I know, I know I will be happy to have some inspiration for new meal and snack ideas.

Day 1 on Atkins (aka: the day my life really begins): 265 pounds.  110 to go.

Breakfast: super cheesy scrambled eggs with a smidge of sour cream.  3 eggs with 2 oz of cheese; I think tomorrow I will try with just 1 oz of cheese (I only get 4 oz a day).

Lunch: 2 small hamburgers with cheddar & pepperjack cheese (1/2 oz of cheese on each) & salad (dressed with olive oil, half a lemon, and parmesan cheese).  I also had some club soda with the leftover lemon; the meds the doctors have me on are making me nauseous.  (My salad ended up being my afternoon snack as the meds I took right before lunch made me so nauseous I didn't want to eat for a while.)

Dinner: pan fried green beans (with garlic & lemon) and steak with olive tapenade.  Yum! 

I'm having more club soda (with lemon) now as a preventative to settle my stomach as I had to take the second pill after dinner.  There's no rhubarb in the stores now; I forgot to check the freezer section in the store.  If I can find rhubarb, I can cook it down - Atkins says with artificial sweetener, I'll probably use honey or agave because I don't like eating the artificial stuff - and eat it with heavy cream for "dessert".

Day 1 was a success!  Here's to.... a lot more.

Waiting...

I am still waiting to hear back from the doctor on the results of my lab work.  They are suspicious of two things:

1) Insulin resistance - it's basically pre-pre-diabetes.  There wouldn't be anything medically to do in this case; but it would be helpful to know if I am insulin resistant.  This would mean it would be 5x harder for me to lose weight than an "average" person; so for every 2 pounds I lose, someone putting in just as much work would lose 10.  Another way of looking at it would be that for every one month somebody puts into losing weight, it would take me 5 months to lose the same amount of weight.  Sucks, right?  But at least I would know that the fight I am in for would be that much harder.  I would know that to see big numbers I would have to wait 5 or 10 months instead of 1 or 2.  It would suck, but knowing that this is what I am up against would help.

2) Some kind of thyroid problem.  I'm predisposed to thyroid problems as they run in my family (and while they aren't genetic in the way that they are passed down, if somebody in your family has a thyroid disorder it means that your genetics are such that you are more likely to have a similar disorder).  This would be good news in the way that it could help with my weight loss, but it would likely mean a lifetime of medications.

or 3) A combination of both things.

I should have heard back from the doctor last week, but still no answers.  I am calling (again) tomorrow morning, hoping that somebody somewhere has answers.

My weight has been fluctuating between 267 and 269 for the past few weeks.  Back to the gym tomorrow now that my schedule is figured out and my health is under control.  I figure it is better to start working on good habits now, even if I don't know what the doctors know yet.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Irony

Funny enough, no doctor I have ever been to has ever said anything about my weight.  And I really wonder why this is.  Is it such a taboo subject that a doctor won't even broach it?  Do they know that my weight gain is caused by the pills they prescribed?  Or is it something else?

Maybe because I never brought it up, they didn't feel the need to...

I'm very bitter towards doctors, and I really doubt this attitude will ever change.  I can't believe that no doctor ever bothered to connect my ever-increasing weight to the pills.  They prescribed pills that could cause weight gain, but they never bothered to monitor it.  Never once did they ask if there was anything in my lifestyle that could cause weight gain.  And now I'm 271.8 pounds and off the meds and have nowhere to turn.

I've tried everything I know how to do and I still can't lose the weight.  I'm eating less than an average person (maybe 2 meals a day), but I'm still not losing.  I'm working out once or twice a week, and not losing an ounce.

I'm so angry at the doctors who watched me gain weight for six years and never once said anything about it.  Who watched me become obese and never once said, why don't we try a different medication.  Never once asked if I was eating healthy or working out.

Did they just assume I was making the wrong food choices?  Did they assume I was binging?  Did they think I never went to the gym?  All of the above?

I know as the patient, it is my responsibility to bring up issues of concern to my doctors.  But as a teenager, battling everything I am challenged with, when your doctor doesn't mention your weight gain you think, Maybe this isn't so bad...  Maybe I'm really not gaining as much weight as I think I am.  Which isn't true.

I have gained over 100 pounds since I was 15; pre-Tourette's.  I gained 50 pounds in 9 months of anti-depressants, and the rest I have gradually put on since then.  I have gained 30 pounds since this time last year; due to medication.

And in the 7 months since I got off all the prescription meds, I've only gained 10 pounds.  All of which happened between April and July.

For the last 4 months my weight has been stable.

That is something I have never been able to say.

I'm so frustrated at myself for not wanting to face this sooner, but I'm more frustrated with the doctors for not being willing to broach this topic with me.  For not being willing to admit that maybe a pill they gave me was causing my weight gain as opposed to a lifestyle choice.

This isn't me.  This isn't who I am.  I am not a "fat girl".  The pills made me this way, but now it is my job to try and change this. 

I am seeing an endocrinologist in January and I am praying (literally) that he will have something to offer me other than the customary, I'm sorry.  Because if this doesn't work...  I have no other choices.

I'm eating healthy.  I'm working out.  Weight loss surgery wouldn't help me because I'm not an over-eater.  I'm simply somebody whose metabolism doesn't work.  Because once upon a time, doctors thought it was more important to be doped out of my mind than to be overweight.  They thought that it was better to expose my body to all of these poisons than to have Tourette's.  They wanted to fix a part of me that doesn't need fixing.  That part of who I am will never be fixed.  But this... my weight...  needs to be fixed. 

And I find it excruciatingly ironic that I now have to rely on doctors to help me when the doctors are the ones who gave me the pills that put me in this position in the first place.  Lovely.

Moving Forward

I'm trying to move forward.  Move on with my life.  Stop hating myself; stop hating everytime I have to look in a mirror or watch videos from our behavioral lab.  And it's hard.

I'm becoming more honest with myself about what I have to live with.  I am healthy.  I am eating balanced meals and getting a good amount of fruits and veggies.  I am seriously decreasing the number of carbs I eat; and the ones I do are whole-grains.  And yet, my weight doesn't change.  This is the hardest part.  If I were to see just a tiny, miniscule, change on the scale, I might not feel so forlorn.  So I'm trying not to be; I'm trying to feel comforted by seeing the same number over and over on the scale.  That means I'm not gaining weight.  That is a good thing. 

I'm finding a balance.  I'm not going overboard and spending hours upon hours at the gym every week.  I'm working out once or twice a week.  And when I do I'm able to keep up and get a good workout without huffing and puffing.  This is a change from a few months ago.

I'm eating healthier meals and bringing lunches to school instead of buying something for lunch.  This means I eat at better times too; instead of waiting until I am starving at 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm munching on healthy snacks for lunch at a normal lunch time.

But I'm also having small amounts of (good) ice cream after dinner when I want it.  I'm having the occasional latte from Starbucks.  I'm going out with friends and ordering what sounds good to me and eating until I'm full; instead of finding what looks to be the healthiest thing on the menu and not enjoying it.

This balance will be important for when I am finally able to start losing weight.  And at least I know once all my weight is lost, I will be able to maintain it.  Because, apparently I am very good at maintaining.

I weighed in at 272.8 this weekend; so absolutely no change.

October goals review...

Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).
Done!  I will be seeing an endocrinologist who specializes in metabolism problems in December.  And fingers crossed, he is able to figure out why my body refuses to lose weight.

Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements.  Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Yeah... this one didn't happen.  Again.  I'm putting it on the back burner for a month or so.  Once I know I can lose weight and I pick back up at the gym, I will worry about this.

Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day.  Once a week is good.
I actually did this consciously, instead of simply forgetting to weigh myself because I was so tired.  Yay!

No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night). 
Done!  This is something I will continually make a goal, but I won't worry so much about it this month as I seem to have broken the fast-food-dinner-every-night trend I had going in September.

November goals:

Get back to my vitamin/supplement regimen (green tea supplements, multi-vitamin, vitamin-D, B-complex, glucosamine).  I stopped taking them when I got sick in September and I oscilated between taking everything, taking some of them, and taking none of the aforementioned supplements last month.  I added each of them to my diet for a reason, now it's time to start taking them again.

Eat breakfast.  Every morning.  (Ugh.)