Thursday, April 25, 2013

Stumbling blocks. New day. New plan.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time driving around and while I was driving I got to thinking a lot about my weight and what I am and am not doing right. I spent the weekend looking at inspirational weight-loss blogs and wondering why my blog is all about me failing.

The end of the semester is coming, and with it my anxiety, the loss of my short-term memory, and a strong urge to binge eat. I was doing well, I was keeping up with jogging and I was walking 3 miles everyday when Owen and I were in Houston. I came back from Texas weighing 261 pounds, something I was very pleased with because I knew I had not made good food choices the last few days there. However, stressors in Houston (family) and stressors when I got back from Houston (migraines and school), I’ve binged more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. They aren’t full-out binges, I don’t eat all the food in the house. But, they are still binges and I need to acknowledge them as that. It isn’t normal to sit and eat through an entire bag of chips for a “snack”. And as I sat there reading all those inspirational blog posts, I wondered why I leave the store with all healthy things in my cart - fruits and veggies and chicken sausages and whole grains… And a bag of chips. And I wondered why I go home with all my fresh, healthy foods and sit down to eat the bag of chips. Not a snack size bag, but a full-sized bag of chips. I hate myself afterwards. I always do, and yet I still do it again.

I’m not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to set myself up for failure and then wonder why I failed. I'm not going to put things in my cart thinking that I will be able to control myself, I’m not going to let my emotions go grocery shopping for me. I need to do it was a clear head. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see; hating that I haven’t been honest with myself. Hating that I’m only half committing myself to what needs to be a full-time job. If I am serious about losing weight, I need to do it 100%.

I recently signed up for a CSA (community supported agriculture) in Spokane and I'm really hoping that it ends up being a good thing. It is very affordable and it’s a way to get food that I should be eating without going to the grocery store; if I don’t go to the grocery store, I can’t buy unhealthy things.

I am also going to stop looking at a restaurant as a chance to “cheat”. Going out should be about being with my family and friends, not about how badly I can break my diet. I'm tired of going out with friends and then waking up the next morning feeling awful about myself, wishing I had made it made a better choice, wishing that I haven't gone out all. I love healthy foods, I'm not sure why when given the chance I turned to unhealthy things that I know I shouldn’t be eating instead of healthier options on the menu. I have plans to go out with the other grad students this weekend – to sushi. And instead of seeing it as a free-for-all (and eating the oh-so-good fried rolls) and instead of caving to pressure and ordering the same cheap rolls as everybody else, I’ve looked at the menu online and have planned what I am going to get. I am going to order an expensive meal, but a healthy one. One that I know I will like and one that I know will be good for me. And I’m going to enjoy being out with my friends and the fact that somebody else is preparing and cleaning up after my food, instead of worrying about and feeling guilty about what I am eating.

I know that losing weight doesn't come without an emotional sacrifice. You certainly don't get to be 275 pounds without carrying a lot of emotional baggage with you. There's a lot I haven't written about, about my weight gain, about my self-image both before and after I was heavy, but suffice it to say my story is no different than a lot of other women out there. I had crap happen in my life my and I turned to food to fix it. There's nothing I want more right now – except maybe a job – than to reclaim my life and to be able to live without my weight holding me back. I don't want every decision I make and every waking moment to be wrapped up in my weight. Whether it something I don't feel comfortable doing because I'm heavy, or a decision I have to make because I'm trying to lose weight.

One of the things I'm good at, is planning. I love making lists and I love planning things; it’s something I especially like to do when my anxiety gets out of control because planning things helps me to feel in control. And so today yesterday I went to the office store and bought a bunch of different colored sharpies and a new calendar and I sat down last night I planned my workouts for the next month. Workouts every day, using my elliptical, using the things I have in my apartment, and using the outdoors. I recently had to cancel my gym membership because I really can't afford it right now, and I know that I wasn't using it as much as I should've been. That doesn't mean I'm not going to work out, I have a very nice elliptical machine and I have lots of workout videos. I also have a dog who needs to go on walks. I have workouts planned every single day for the next 30-odd days. I'm doing the 30-day-squat challenge, and the 30-day-ab challenge while mixing in cardio and various other things. I know that by eating right and by getting active, I can make a difference in my body.

I know that this is a journey of trial and error, and I've definitely made a few errors along the way, but I'm finally ready to step up and take charge of my life. I can imagine what my new life will be like. I can imagine feeling confident in my body, being able to go shopping at the mall with friends and go to the same stores that they do and actually find clothes that fit and look good. I can feel what it would be like to ride horses again; it's not something you ever forget. When I reach my goal weight I'm going to seriously look into purchasing a horse; I don't care help how broke I am, it's something I need to do for myself. I can see what my new life will be like and I know I want to start living it, but I've been so scared to start.

No longer.

I'm ready to start living.

(Follow my daily progress and workout/food plans at my new facebook page: A Dog for Katherine is Losing It)

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