My "not-a-vision" Board

Because I have historically laughed at people who use vision boards (I'm a terrible person, I know).  But...  it was suggested by my psychologist that I give it a try because there is basically no other motivation intrinsic or extrinsic that makes me want to exercise.

And when you look at it from a behaviorist standpoint - which I am wont to do, because I am after all, a behaviorist - it makes sense.  I have had 6 years of shaping because of those damn pills.  Six years where nothing I did made a difference, so what was supposed to be intrinsically motivation (I work out, I lose weight) suddenly wasn't.  And there wasn't an extrinsic motivator strong enough to get me to work out consistently.

But, I think I have finally found an extrinsic motivator strong enough to convince me to work out until the intrinsic motivation kicks in.

Can you figure out what the motivator is?

It dawned on me when I graduated in May, that in a year (plus a little bit) I will be an employed individual, hopefully as a teacher and living somewhere with a relatively low cost of living where I won't be totally struggling to make ends meet.  And even if I am, so what?  I have been a horse rider nearly all of my life, only stopping during college because of study requirements and lack of money to spend on lessons.  I tried to keep it up, but never did.  And, I am my heaviest now after 4 years of no riding.  Coincidence?  I'll let you decide.

I love off-the-track-Thoroughbreds and would love nothing more than to be able to buy one once I start working.  They are my absolute favorite to work with and I do dressage and jumping.  But I can't do any of that unless I'm in shape (yes, my riding muscles are gone and there's only one way to get those back, but I'm talking about the rest of me).  So, I figured that if I start working out and getting in shape now, in one year I will be where I want to be.  And, coincidentally, in one year I will be an employed adult capable of purchasing a horse.  Funny how things like that work out...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My workouts for the last week:

6/20: 50 mins step class, 50 mins zumba class, 50 mins cycle class
6/22: 30 mins elliptical at home (I couldn't make it to the early classes and I didn't want to work out at night)
6/23: 50 mins body conditioning (Ow!), 30 mins blitz cycle
6/25: 50 mins step, 50 mins zumba, 50 mins cycle

And I'm planning on a long day at the gym tomorrow both before and after working in the clinic at school!

Today's the day...

...my life begins.

Okay, so it was yesterday.  But I'm a huge Grey's Anatomy fan and I was watching a super super sad really good episode the other day in which a car full of soon-to-be college graduates crashes and *spoiler alert* the only one who ends up surviving is the valedictorian and that's how she starts her speech (which she gives to the doctors because she's stuck in the hospital and all her friends are dead).

Today's the day my life begins.

I joined my YMCA earlier this week, which considering it's all of 1 minute's drive from my apartment and is brand new and super nice looking, probably should have happened a long time ago.  But regardless, I am officially a member of the YMCA.  I have a card with my picture on it and everything.

Yesterday I actually went into the gym for the first time, as opposed to just staying in the entrance by the customer service desk.  And I may have gone a little overboard, but I'm still able to walk today so I guess it could have been worse.  I did a step class, a zumba class and a cycle class.  Three hours of back-to-back exercise when the most I've done in a year has been going up the stairs to my apartment and walking around campus.  It was brutal.

I made a calculated error in the step class, which was totally my fault.  If you've never done a step class, they're mildly torturous highly engaging and a good work out.  The last time I did a step class I was a freshman or sophomore and in considerably better shape.  But, nevertheless because it was the first class of the night and I wasn't in mortal agony tired yet, I thought it was a good idea to put one riser under my step.  Really good people do two or (yikes!) more, but I thought one was playing it safe.  Was I ever wrong!  I'm going back to the class because it is an insanely good work out, but I'm dropping down to just the step on the floor.  Because, not only are you up and down the step a gazillion times in an hour, but they have you crossing your feet over it, doing flying leaps over it and acrobatics.  At least that's how it looked to me, who could barely get the basic step and the turning down.  Forget "horse shoeing" and "L-stomps".

And I'd like to say I think I'll get better at the steps used in the class, but I really doubt I will.  All I'm going to hope for is to not look like a complete and utter fool.  Which, coming from the girl who is literally left and right dyslexic - I know which hand is which but the second I'm doing a task, forget it - that's about as good as it's going to get.

Knowing that about my coordination, or more appropriately lack-thereof, I'm sure you can draw your own conclusions as to how zumba went.

I haven't weighed in this week, and I'm going to give working out a week or so to sink in before I do.  I think I'm going to post photographs of my progress starting next month and then post a photo on the first of every month thereafter.  I was reading (on pinterest) the other night something one of my friends had pinned that said...

It takes 4 weeks for you to see your body changing.  It takes 8 weeks for friends and family.  And it takes 12 weeks for the rest of the world.

I figure that by putting up photographs it will help me to see a visual of how my body is changing (hopefully) if I struggle seeing it day-to-day.  Since this is a brand new idea I don't have a photo for this month (seeing as it's almost July and how much change are you going to notice in one week), so here's a photo from my graduation weekend of me with my dad.  This was... the middle of May, but close enough.

Absentee Blogger

So I'm apparently as terrible a blogger for this blog as I am for my other one.  And I'm also a coward.  True story.  You see, I talk a big game; I was so brave I typed my weight and put it out there for all the world to see.  And what do I do?  Nothing.

I don't promote this blog one bit.  So I guess I'm not really all that brave after all.

And I haven't started a huge work out regimen either; truth be told...  I've been sleeping.  A lot.  I know that it's been proven that lack of sleep leads to weight problems and if there's one thing I would love to change about my current health it would be the sleep issue.  I'm tired; all the time.  It isn't something that comes and goes, it's something that I've apparently needed two weeks to recover from.  I have these nasty permanent black eyes from lack of sleep, and they've finally been reduced to mere shadows.  I've been sleeping whenever my body tells me to, and I've been sleeping as long as it tells me to (with the exception of a few "early" work mornings).  And I feel better.  But not great.  I certainly don't have enough energy to wake up and jump on my elliptical in the morning and I've been staying away from stimulants lately.  I have a love-hate-love relationship with coffee.  It isn't just a love-hate relationship; it's circular.  I get off the coffee bandwagon and stop drinking it all together.  I get "clean".  Then, I slowly start creeping up again.  One coffee here and there, then a coffee a few mornings a week.  Then a coffee every morning.  Then they become triple-shots at Starbucks.  And then before you know it I'm convincing myself that a double-shot afternoon pick-me-up is just what I need.  So I stop drinking the coffee until the next moment of weakness.  Right now I'm in a no-caffeine no-green tea phase.  It'll end soon I'm sure.

The sleep issue stems from the Tourette's.  I never had any sleep disturbance or insomnia issues until the diagnosis.  You would think that with the amount of moving I do my body would be exhausted by the end of the day, unable to move much less fight sleep (you would also think that I would burn an insane amount of calories but alas, that's what metabolism-killing drugs will do to you).  But you would be wrong.  See... my brain is constantly "ON".  It's like somebody flicked a switch and my brain is always having to be hypervigillant and aware of everything.  I am always blocking tics.  And you get used to it; I am more aware of my subconscious than the majority of the population is.  But that's because I have to be.  I have to stay one step ahead of the tics.  But when it's time to go to sleep I can't just flick the switch to the "OFF" position and rest.  The second I try to turn my brain off I lose control.  I tic.  Uncontrollably.  Two nights ago I came thisclose to throwing myself out of bed and bashing my skull into the night stand.   And it's happened before.  So as soon as that happens I have to turn my brain back on to get control, and then start all over again.  I read a lot at night, the same books over and over and over, trying to get my brain to shut down on its own.  And it works, mostly.  But it also means it takes me over an hour most nights to fall asleep.  I read somewhere it takes the average person 7 minutes (minutes!) to fall asleep.  I about died laughing.  So the sleep thing compounded with the constant movement and constant mental exertion is what does me in and is why I've spent two weeks doing nothing but sleeping a lot.  And I'm not ashamed to admit that.

I'm being mindful about what I eat, only eating when I get hungry and trying not to snack, but I haven't made the best food choices lately.  For now, that's about all I'm capable of doing.  I'm hoping that once my work schedule for the summer starts I'll have to force my body into more of a routine, which will allow me to work working out into my schedule.  I really don't do good with a lot of down time; I'm very bad at convincing myself to do things I need to do.  And it doesn't help that I woke up this morning with only one functioning foot and I haven't slept properly the last few nights.  Zzzzzz....

I have been crocheting like a banshee trying to get enough items amassed to open my etsy store.  So that's helping with my weight loss indirectly.  If both of my hands are busy with yarn I can't eat. :)

I weighed myself yesterday; 256.4 pounds.  And never again.