Proud.

A few weeks ago I was posting why I was embarrassed.  So, today, I thought I would write the things I'm proud about.

I am proud that I can now do a 30-second plank on my knees without getting all shaky and wobbly, collapsing to the ground, and wanting to throw up.  Next step, plank on my toes.

I am really freaking proud that I am waking up at 7:30 on Saturdays to get to the gym for an 8:30 body conditioning class and 9:30 Zumba.  And the funny thing is I feel pretty awake once I start working out; though, I'm ready for a nap around 2:00 in the afternoon now.

I am proud that I am lifting 5-pound and 6-pound weights.  A few weeks ago I started with the 3-pound weights; I am trying to increase one pound a week for a little while right now.

I am proud that I manage to go the right way (almost) all the time in Zumba and kickboxing; and before you laugh, this is a big accomplishment for me.

On the same thread, I am proud that I've only hauled off and punched myself once in kickboxing.  And I have not kicked, hit, or run into anybody in my classes, even when I am going the right way and they are not.  (Seriously, people?! Go the right way or stay away!)

I am proud of the fact that I can use the step for the entirety of the step class; when I started I ended up on the floor doing the same motions as the rest of the class for about 30 minutes and for a good long while, I just marched.  Now, I can keep up with the class on the step, and when I miss a move it's because I have no clue what they're doing, not because I'm too huffy and puffy.  (And I've only really fallen off the step once, so I'm proud of that!)  Yes, my step is flat on the ground without risers, but I'm planning to add those soon (once I stop falling and tripping on the step).

I am shocked proud that I am concerned about my plan for working out in a few weeks when my gym is closed for renovations (I'm not sure which classes will be cancelled, and which won't be).

I am proud of the way I can feel my body changing, even if all I feel are sore muscles.  I am noticing muscles developing, and even if I can't see them, I know once I lose the padding, the muscles will be there.

I am proud that I can keep up for not one, not two, but three hours of exercise.  Even if my brain doesn't think I can, my body is strong enough to do it.

And I am proud that I am doing this for me.  I want my body to get as healthy as I can get it; I'm losing the weight for me.  Not because of pressure from anybody else.  And this is the first time that this is really about me, and I am very proud of that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

8/20: 1 hour Zumba
8/21: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing, 1 hour Zumba

Food Thoughts

I'm dealing with a lot of service dog drama right now which I'll talk about on my main blog later this week once I figure everything out, but suffice it to say I'm not going to be receiving my dog in September.  It will likely be November or December of this year.  And I'm really working hard not to eat my feelings.

I am an emotional-eater.  There is a difference between emotional eating, and binge eating.  I've done both.  I have always been an emotional eater; my entire life eating has been something relating to comfort and happy occasions.  I was a binge-eater when I was clinically depressed though.  When I binge-ate, it didn't matter what I was eating.  It only mattered that I ate.  I would cruise through the cabinets and freezer and refrigerator and eat anything and everything.  It didn't matter if it was a food I liked or hated; low-calorie/low-fat or full-everything, I ate it.  This stopped when I got the depression under control.

Now, I am just an emotional-eater.  I eat to feel happy.  To feel comforted.  I don't know if this mindset will ever change, so I'm trying to set myself up for success.  Keeping lots of fruit in the apartment to snack on.  Drinking a lot of water; sometimes up to 3 liters a day (when you drink this much water, you stay so full that the thought of eating doesn't even cross your mind).

I am also making smart(er) choices when I choose to eat for emotional reasons.  Sometimes, fruit and water don't cut it.  I don't buy"healthy" ice cream or other things like that; I buy the regular stuff.  When I need my ice cream fix (which is one of my "red-light" foods), I don't want the low-cal stuff.  Honestly, I'll end up eating more because I'm still looking to get that "fix" than if I start with the real ice cream to begin with.  So, instead of grabbing the tub of ice cream and a spoon and sitting on the couch, I'm making myself put ice cream into a mug so that there is a finite amount I can eat.  I won't go back and refill the coffee mug with ice cream, but I can sit and polish off an entire pint (or more) of ice cream without noticing.

So Friday night, after I had gotten "The News", I sat down with my mug of ice cream and then Saturday morning I got up early and worked out.  I'm refusing to let one bad day of eating or one slip-up force me into the "I-screwed-up" mentality that can derail the progress I'm making.  I'm going to work on getting my measurements soon so I can track my progress working out; but I'm already noticing muscles where they weren't before.  Which is really encouraging considering it's been two weeks of really hitting the gym hard; I was working out before that, but not at the same level.

Here's my workout tip: do classes!!!  I have no spacial awareness, no coordination, and I started with no stamina.  If I can make it through a Zumba or body conditioning class, anybody can.  And trust me, you won't be the worst person there; and even if you are, so what?  Nobody cares what anybody else looks like, they're all too worried about how they look.  And I don't go to the gym to look cool, I go to get healthy.  So instead of being upset that everybody in the class is lifting weights bigger than me, I'm excited because (depending on the exercise) I have already increased the amount I'm using 2-3 pounds.  And I'm planning on increasing my weight again this week.  Instead of being miffed that everybody in the step class has two-risers under their step, and my step is flat on the floor, I'm proud of the fact that I can stay on the step the entire class instead of a few months ago when I spent half the class huffing and puffing through the motions on the floor, ignoring the step all together.  (And step class is where my muscles are coming from; super hard quads and glutes already!  Totally recommend this class if you can find one.)

Here's the real reason behind going to a class though; you are obligated to stay.  If I don't feel well, or I get really tired working out on a treadmill or some other piece of equipment on the floor, I won't push myself as hard or I'll bail half-way through my workout.  In a class, if I put a foot in the door, I'm stuck in that class.  And I'm going to push myself as hard as I can to keep up.  And (I promise) that if you don't stare at the clock, time goes by really fast.

Case in point: Thursday I was running late to a 5:30 body conditioning class (the first one of the evening) and I showed up at 5:31 after they had already started.  This wouldn't matter to me, except that the class was full.  I couldn't see any room peeking in; but, I had been caught peeking in the room.  So I sucked it up, wormed my way into the back row, and I did the class.  If I had been trying to use an elliptical and they were all full, it would have just been "oh well".  But, because people in the class saw me (and recognized me as I'm starting to recognize the people who do the same classes I do), I had to go.  And once I drag my butt to the next class, I have to stay for that too.  It's being accountable to my workout in a different way, and I think I may have become a Y-junkie for life.

That being said, school starts in a week and I know some of my workouts are going to have to be at the gym on campus.  So I'm going to have to do it on my own; but as long as I have the same time blocked out and treat it like a real workout, I think I'll be okay 2 days a week.  I'm also going to look into maybe scheduling some personal training sessions at the Y when school starts if I'm struggling to keep up with my workouts; that way they can be very time-efficient and I will be very accountable to a trainer to show up on time and I won't be able to slack off.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

8/9: 1 hour Cardio Intervals/Core, 1 hour Yoga (last time in yoga; my body fought me the entire time, I was in pain, and there were tears shed)
8/10: 1 hour Zumba
8/11: 1 hour Zumba
8/13: 1 hour Zumba (ha! notice a trend?)
8/14: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing, 1 hour Zumba
8/15: 1 hour step, 1 hour Zumba
8/16: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour kickboxing, 1 hour Zumba
8/18: 1 hour body conditioning, 1 hour Zumba

Embarassed.

I have gained weight.  13 pounds to be exact.  And I am horribly embarrassed to write that.  I wanted to not write it.  To keep it secret.  But this blog is my way of being accountable (even though nobody is actually reading it yet) and so here I am.  Being accountable?  Accounted?  Regardless; my weight on August 1 was 272 and some change (I don't remember).

And that was scary.  For the first time I was scared that I could let my weight creep up to 300.  I gain weight *really* fast; I hear other people talking about gaining two or three pounds; I gain ten or fifteen.  Like that.  Without even trying.  Or noticing.  Or whatever it is that you do when you don't notice a lot of weight gain.  That, in less than a month I gained 13 pounds was scary.

And I'm not stupid; I know how it happened.  The short version is I got Touretter-sick; meaning not contagious/virus sick but migraine/pinched nerve/anxiety sick.  I spent a week really under the weather; and then had to play catch-up to finish out the last two weeks of school.  I was at school or work all day long, eating multiple meals on-the-go, and sitting in front of a computer all day.  I didn't have the time to go to the gym or cook healthy meals.  I didn't feel good and I just wanted to get my schoolwork done up to my standards.  So I ate a lot of fast-food (and I justify it because some fast food is "better" than others.  Yeah, right.) and I sat around all day.  Then, school ended and I got Touretter-sick again; same thing.  Plus some serious food-intolerance issues; no clue why, but I couldn't keep anything down.  The only thing that sounded good was carbs; bread, mashed potatoes, and pasta.  And not the healthy stuff, the super-refined, no-nutritional-value, stuff.  And that was all I ate for a week or so.  While I was sitting on my couch, watching Lifetime movies, and not working out.  And then, I started feeling better and I got on the scale.  Yikes!

So, like any mentally-healthy person would do (ha!), I got seriously depressed about my weight.  I was angry about the medications and the weight gain and the doctors.  I was frustrated with my metabolism and everything else wrong in my body that is stopping me from loosing weight.  Including my own crappy attitude.  And to have more to feel sorry about, I was grumpy about my Tourette's and how it plays into my weight.  (Read the funk-i-tude in it's entirety here.)

It's a week or so after that post now and I'm in a better head-space.  I'm not perfect by any means.  But I'm getting there.  I'm closer to being mentally-healthy than I was two weeks ago, and I'm working out again.  Yesterday I weighed 268 pounds; my first goal is to lose that 13 pounds I gained, so I can be back down to 259.  And then I'll slowly start chipping away to my first *big* goal: 199 pounds.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Workouts this week so far include:

8/7: 50 mins Body Conditioning (legs, arms, abs, ouch!), 50 mins Kickboxing, 50 mins Pilates (my first and last time in a pilates class; it wasn't taught by an instructor who knew what they were doing - she referred to magazine photocopies the entire class - and not only could I not do any of it, I giggled the whole way through and then had a BIG tic attack afterwards.  So, no more pilates for me.) :D
8/8: 50 mins Step, 50 mins Zumba

The plan for tomorrow: 1 hour Cardio Intervals/Core (sounds... daunting), and 1 hour yoga

I want...

...to be able to buy clothes at the mall in a "regular" person store.  Instead of online because stores don't sell plus-size clothing in the actual store (Old Navy I'm looking at you) or in plus-size stores.

I want to be able to be comfortable when teaching; which in the lower elementary special education world means being comfortable kneeling, squatting, chasing, and everything in between.

I want to be able to walk Owen without feeling disgusting or (worse) getting tired too early.

I want to sit in an airplane seat without the arm-rests digging into my hips and feeling as though I'm encroaching on the person next to me (more than my tics already do).

I want to be able to look at pictures of myself without hating what I see.

I want to be able to ride a horse again; any horse I want without fear that I'm going to hurt them because I weigh too much.  I want to dance through dressage moves and fly over jumps and not be self-conscious about how I look.

I want to be able to buy cute clothes.  And wear dresses.  I have no fashion sense, but all the same, I want to look cute instead of wearing things that disguise my weight and blend into the background.

I want to be able to walk up more than one flight of stairs without feeling out of breath.

I want to be healthy.  My body is failing on so many levels; it is a matter of time before I get something like arthritis or permanently damage a joint that needs surgery to fix.  I don't want to be sitting in a doctor's office (ugh) having them telling me I'm pre-diabetic or that my cholesterol is too high or any one of the things that I could face.

I want to wear bright colors and not be self conscious.

I want to be able to sit down in jeans and not be uncomfortable because the waist band digs into my stomach.

I want to feel confident in my body.