Embarassed.

I have gained weight.  13 pounds to be exact.  And I am horribly embarrassed to write that.  I wanted to not write it.  To keep it secret.  But this blog is my way of being accountable (even though nobody is actually reading it yet) and so here I am.  Being accountable?  Accounted?  Regardless; my weight on August 1 was 272 and some change (I don't remember).

And that was scary.  For the first time I was scared that I could let my weight creep up to 300.  I gain weight *really* fast; I hear other people talking about gaining two or three pounds; I gain ten or fifteen.  Like that.  Without even trying.  Or noticing.  Or whatever it is that you do when you don't notice a lot of weight gain.  That, in less than a month I gained 13 pounds was scary.

And I'm not stupid; I know how it happened.  The short version is I got Touretter-sick; meaning not contagious/virus sick but migraine/pinched nerve/anxiety sick.  I spent a week really under the weather; and then had to play catch-up to finish out the last two weeks of school.  I was at school or work all day long, eating multiple meals on-the-go, and sitting in front of a computer all day.  I didn't have the time to go to the gym or cook healthy meals.  I didn't feel good and I just wanted to get my schoolwork done up to my standards.  So I ate a lot of fast-food (and I justify it because some fast food is "better" than others.  Yeah, right.) and I sat around all day.  Then, school ended and I got Touretter-sick again; same thing.  Plus some serious food-intolerance issues; no clue why, but I couldn't keep anything down.  The only thing that sounded good was carbs; bread, mashed potatoes, and pasta.  And not the healthy stuff, the super-refined, no-nutritional-value, stuff.  And that was all I ate for a week or so.  While I was sitting on my couch, watching Lifetime movies, and not working out.  And then, I started feeling better and I got on the scale.  Yikes!

So, like any mentally-healthy person would do (ha!), I got seriously depressed about my weight.  I was angry about the medications and the weight gain and the doctors.  I was frustrated with my metabolism and everything else wrong in my body that is stopping me from loosing weight.  Including my own crappy attitude.  And to have more to feel sorry about, I was grumpy about my Tourette's and how it plays into my weight.  (Read the funk-i-tude in it's entirety here.)

It's a week or so after that post now and I'm in a better head-space.  I'm not perfect by any means.  But I'm getting there.  I'm closer to being mentally-healthy than I was two weeks ago, and I'm working out again.  Yesterday I weighed 268 pounds; my first goal is to lose that 13 pounds I gained, so I can be back down to 259.  And then I'll slowly start chipping away to my first *big* goal: 199 pounds.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Workouts this week so far include:

8/7: 50 mins Body Conditioning (legs, arms, abs, ouch!), 50 mins Kickboxing, 50 mins Pilates (my first and last time in a pilates class; it wasn't taught by an instructor who knew what they were doing - she referred to magazine photocopies the entire class - and not only could I not do any of it, I giggled the whole way through and then had a BIG tic attack afterwards.  So, no more pilates for me.) :D
8/8: 50 mins Step, 50 mins Zumba

The plan for tomorrow: 1 hour Cardio Intervals/Core (sounds... daunting), and 1 hour yoga