Irony

Funny enough, no doctor I have ever been to has ever said anything about my weight.  And I really wonder why this is.  Is it such a taboo subject that a doctor won't even broach it?  Do they know that my weight gain is caused by the pills they prescribed?  Or is it something else?

Maybe because I never brought it up, they didn't feel the need to...

I'm very bitter towards doctors, and I really doubt this attitude will ever change.  I can't believe that no doctor ever bothered to connect my ever-increasing weight to the pills.  They prescribed pills that could cause weight gain, but they never bothered to monitor it.  Never once did they ask if there was anything in my lifestyle that could cause weight gain.  And now I'm 271.8 pounds and off the meds and have nowhere to turn.

I've tried everything I know how to do and I still can't lose the weight.  I'm eating less than an average person (maybe 2 meals a day), but I'm still not losing.  I'm working out once or twice a week, and not losing an ounce.

I'm so angry at the doctors who watched me gain weight for six years and never once said anything about it.  Who watched me become obese and never once said, why don't we try a different medication.  Never once asked if I was eating healthy or working out.

Did they just assume I was making the wrong food choices?  Did they assume I was binging?  Did they think I never went to the gym?  All of the above?

I know as the patient, it is my responsibility to bring up issues of concern to my doctors.  But as a teenager, battling everything I am challenged with, when your doctor doesn't mention your weight gain you think, Maybe this isn't so bad...  Maybe I'm really not gaining as much weight as I think I am.  Which isn't true.

I have gained over 100 pounds since I was 15; pre-Tourette's.  I gained 50 pounds in 9 months of anti-depressants, and the rest I have gradually put on since then.  I have gained 30 pounds since this time last year; due to medication.

And in the 7 months since I got off all the prescription meds, I've only gained 10 pounds.  All of which happened between April and July.

For the last 4 months my weight has been stable.

That is something I have never been able to say.

I'm so frustrated at myself for not wanting to face this sooner, but I'm more frustrated with the doctors for not being willing to broach this topic with me.  For not being willing to admit that maybe a pill they gave me was causing my weight gain as opposed to a lifestyle choice.

This isn't me.  This isn't who I am.  I am not a "fat girl".  The pills made me this way, but now it is my job to try and change this. 

I am seeing an endocrinologist in January and I am praying (literally) that he will have something to offer me other than the customary, I'm sorry.  Because if this doesn't work...  I have no other choices.

I'm eating healthy.  I'm working out.  Weight loss surgery wouldn't help me because I'm not an over-eater.  I'm simply somebody whose metabolism doesn't work.  Because once upon a time, doctors thought it was more important to be doped out of my mind than to be overweight.  They thought that it was better to expose my body to all of these poisons than to have Tourette's.  They wanted to fix a part of me that doesn't need fixing.  That part of who I am will never be fixed.  But this... my weight...  needs to be fixed. 

And I find it excruciatingly ironic that I now have to rely on doctors to help me when the doctors are the ones who gave me the pills that put me in this position in the first place.  Lovely.

Moving Forward

I'm trying to move forward.  Move on with my life.  Stop hating myself; stop hating everytime I have to look in a mirror or watch videos from our behavioral lab.  And it's hard.

I'm becoming more honest with myself about what I have to live with.  I am healthy.  I am eating balanced meals and getting a good amount of fruits and veggies.  I am seriously decreasing the number of carbs I eat; and the ones I do are whole-grains.  And yet, my weight doesn't change.  This is the hardest part.  If I were to see just a tiny, miniscule, change on the scale, I might not feel so forlorn.  So I'm trying not to be; I'm trying to feel comforted by seeing the same number over and over on the scale.  That means I'm not gaining weight.  That is a good thing. 

I'm finding a balance.  I'm not going overboard and spending hours upon hours at the gym every week.  I'm working out once or twice a week.  And when I do I'm able to keep up and get a good workout without huffing and puffing.  This is a change from a few months ago.

I'm eating healthier meals and bringing lunches to school instead of buying something for lunch.  This means I eat at better times too; instead of waiting until I am starving at 3:00 in the afternoon, I'm munching on healthy snacks for lunch at a normal lunch time.

But I'm also having small amounts of (good) ice cream after dinner when I want it.  I'm having the occasional latte from Starbucks.  I'm going out with friends and ordering what sounds good to me and eating until I'm full; instead of finding what looks to be the healthiest thing on the menu and not enjoying it.

This balance will be important for when I am finally able to start losing weight.  And at least I know once all my weight is lost, I will be able to maintain it.  Because, apparently I am very good at maintaining.

I weighed in at 272.8 this weekend; so absolutely no change.

October goals review...

Get an appointment with an endocrinologist (something my psychologist and I feel is necessary to determine what is actually going on with my metabolism).
Done!  I will be seeing an endocrinologist who specializes in metabolism problems in December.  And fingers crossed, he is able to figure out why my body refuses to lose weight.

Acquire a tape measurer and take my measurements.  Post said measurements so that I can't lose them.
Yeah... this one didn't happen.  Again.  I'm putting it on the back burner for a month or so.  Once I know I can lose weight and I pick back up at the gym, I will worry about this.

Stop getting on the scale once or twice a day.  Once a week is good.
I actually did this consciously, instead of simply forgetting to weigh myself because I was so tired.  Yay!

No more than four fast-food meals this month (this accounts for the nights I have late classes and don't want to think about cooking a healthy meal at 8:30 at night). 
Done!  This is something I will continually make a goal, but I won't worry so much about it this month as I seem to have broken the fast-food-dinner-every-night trend I had going in September.

November goals:

Get back to my vitamin/supplement regimen (green tea supplements, multi-vitamin, vitamin-D, B-complex, glucosamine).  I stopped taking them when I got sick in September and I oscilated between taking everything, taking some of them, and taking none of the aforementioned supplements last month.  I added each of them to my diet for a reason, now it's time to start taking them again.

Eat breakfast.  Every morning.  (Ugh.)