Seven months ago I thought my life was beginning.
Seven months ago I would have said in seven months I'll be so much closer to reaching my goal.
To being healthy.
In seven months I have accomplished nothing.
I tried. I worked my ass off all summer. For nothing. I'm embarrassed to read some old blog posts talking about how much I was at the gym. About how many hours I was working out. About how heavy the weights were that I was lifting. But it was difficult to keep up with that when the school year started and I was seeing no changes on the scale. So I stopped.
This week I've been to the gym twice. I have plans to go 3 times next week. I'm not going to kill myself overdoing it, especially because of the next step of my plan.
I'm going full-blown Atkins.
My last post said I was waiting, waiting for an answer from doctors. I have my answer. Insulin resistance. Otherwise known as metabolic syndrome.
On one hand, I'm glad to know I'm not crazy. I'm glad to know that the reason I haven't lost weight doing the right things is because it's 5x harder for me to lose weight than a "normal" person. And because of that I can't just do things the right way most of the time, it has to be the right way 100% of the time and then some.
On the other hand? It's another diagnosis and I've been prescribed more meds to take because my blood sugar levels are too high. I don't have prediabetes, but it's dangerously close. If I don't get this under control, the next step is prediabetes followed by Type 2 diabetes.
I realized today while I was in bed thinking before I got up that a diagnosis of diabetes means never again will I have freedom eating what I want to. Every food decision I make will be clouded by the fact that I have diabetes. Insulin resistance is completely reversible through exercise and weight loss. It's possible my body really doesn't tolerate carbohydrates well; maybe I will never be able to eat carbs again without spiking my blood sugar and worrying about what it will do to my body. But if I am healthy, if I don't have insulin resistance, I can splurge once in a while. I can go out with friends and eat what I want to, as long as I am careful the rest of the week. I could have ice cream without doing dangerous things to my body. I wouldn't have to be 100% careful 100% of the time.
I love food. I love good food. I love trying new things and going to good restaurants or cooking good food. I don't want to have to worry every minute of every day about what I'm eating. I want the freedom that comes with being healthy; so for now I'm willing to sacrifice that freedom.
The doctors recommended I go on a low carb diet. They're sending me information in the mail about exactly what they want me to do. However... I do everything to the extreme. If my problem is carbohydrates; that my body can't convert them to energy without spiking my blood sugar which in turn causes weight gain, then why don't I just cut carbs all together?
Atkins is hard core. For phase 1 (which I'm planning on extending from 2 weeks to 4 weeks (or maybe longer) to maximize weight loss), I don't get fruit, startchy vegetables, or any grains. I'm supposed to eat around 20 grams of "net-carbs" a day (fiber doesn't count). What I'm quickly finding out, is that everything has carbohydrates. I'm allowed to eat a lot of protein and basically as many veggies as I can (8 cups a day between salads and cooked veggies). I went shopping with Owen yesterday and stocked my fridge with all sorts of non-startchy vegetables (fennel, zucchini, green beans, lettuce, radishes, squash...) and lots of proteins. I can have cheese in small amounts, and if there is one thing that rivals my love of really good bread. It's really good cheese. I think Owen and I may venture to Trader Joe's one day to check out their cheese selection. If I have to give up bread, I'm going to enjoy my cheese.
I'm a good cook. In fact, were things different in my life (no "calling" to be a special ed teacher and no Owen), I think I would have ended up in culinary school. I may love good bread and sweets, but I trust in my ability to make a meal from just a protein source and veggies. I love eating vegetables, and I am going to use this time on Atkins to explore different vegetables and different ways of cooking them. I know I can cook and I know I can cook vegetables in a way that I will want to eat them. But I also bought an Atkins cookbook because I have never consciously cooked low-carb in my life. Once I run out of what I know, I know I will be happy to have some inspiration for new meal and snack ideas.
Day 1 on Atkins (aka: the day my life really begins): 265 pounds. 110 to go.
I'm having more club soda (with lemon) now as a preventative to settle my stomach as I had to take the second pill after dinner. There's no rhubarb in the stores now; I forgot to check the freezer section in the store. If I can find rhubarb, I can cook it down - Atkins says with artificial sweetener, I'll probably use honey or agave because I don't like eating the artificial stuff - and eat it with heavy cream for "dessert".
Day 1 was a success! Here's to.... a lot more.
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